Newcastle United’s Worst Ever Players

Newcastle United’s Greatest Ever Games

The Premier League’s Worst Ever Players

The worst POP lyrics in the world ever

I Want to Complain : an Alternative Guide to Customer Service

Diets don’t work : an Alternative Guide to Weight Loss

Portable Sunshine : an Alternative Guide to Stress Management

Playground Olympics : an alternative guide to the games we played as children

Did Wayne Fereday ruin your life? Was Silvio Maric directly responsible for your high dentist bills due to the constant gnashing and grinding of your molars? Did Billy Askew’s hair give you nightmares or did the merest mention of Alain Boumsong's name have the same effect as the aftermath of a Vindaloo? Then this is the book you've been waiting for. Relive all your least favourite Newcastle United moments by taking a journey back through the labyrinth of frustration, disillusionment and failure that is Newcastle United’s worst ever players. Grimace, cringe and wince as you take a trip down the derelict end of memory lane, through a history of Newcastle United’s most inept, incompetent and overpaid exponents of the beautiful game. Players who panicked whenever the ball came within twenty yards of them, players who would struggle to make the bench for St. Joseph’s School under 7’s team and players who surprised you by managing to put their boots on the right feet. If you’ve ever watched a Newcastle United player and wondered how they managed to turn professional and you didn’t; if you were left speechless as they were allowed to continue spreading their misery well into the second half or dumbfounded at the fact they’d managed to convince someone to pay them a wage to stumble around the field and offer nothing more to the cause than the corner flag, you’ll find them all here

If you’ve supported Newcastle United long enough you will have experienced every single emotion that it is possible for a human being to feel. You’ll know how it feels to win 8-0 despite being bottom of the league and you’ll know the delight of winning a game at Highbury, outplaying the opposition in the process. However, you’ll also know the desolation of losing 7-3 with a team of 11 supposed internationals, the pain that is seeing Frank Pingel introduced as a second half substitute because he is better than what’s already out there and you'll wince at the names of Graeme Fenton and Ronnie Radford which will tap directly into your nervous system and cause at least one, if not all, of your limbs to spasm. You’ll have seen goals to grace the Maracanã and mistakes to grace You’ve Been Framed. You’ll have seen players from both ends of the spectrum on the same pitch at the same time and wonder how a player like Alan Shearer could have been in a position where he’d been asked to interact in some way with Albert Luque, Des Hamilton and Silvio Maric for the greater good. So come with me now as we take a look at some of the greatest and not-so-great games in this wonderful clubs glittering history.

Did Francis Jeffers ever keep you awake at night? Did you slap yourself in the face each time you witnessed an Eric Djemba-Djemba attack-splitting pass? Did Titus Bramble cause you to eat your match programme in frustration? Then this is the book you've been waiting for. Relive all your least favourite Premier League moments by taking a journey back through the maze of frustration, disillusionment and failure that is the Premier League’s worst ever players. Grimace, wince and sob as you take a trip down the derelict end of memory lane, through a history of the Premier League’s most inept, incompetent, overpaid and under-talented exponents of the beautiful game. Players who looked terrified whenever the ball came within twenty yards of them, players who would struggle to make the bench for their son’s under-7’s team and players who surprised you by managing to make it onto the field wearing the correct strip. If you’ve ever watched a Premier League player and wondered how they managed to turn professional and you didn’t, if you were left speechless as they were allowed to continue spreading their misery well into the second half, if they rang Graeme Souness pretending to be George Weah’s cousin or if they left you dumbfounded at the fact they’d managed to convince someone to pay them a wage to represent your hopes and dreams, you’ll find them all here.

Have you ever heard a song on the radio and thought, 'did they say what I thought they just said' and then realised that they did and thought, 'I can do better than that'? Then this is the book for you. We might not be able to stop banal, idiotic and nonsensical lyrics being written and hidden under lovely melodies but we can point them out, laugh at them and have a good moan about how much money they've made for the lazy writer. So come with me now on a journey through the most cringeworthy, pointless and frankly wierd lyrics and couplets ever unleashed on the music buying public from the 1950s to the present day.

Have you got something to complain about? Have you been short changed? Have you complained and got nothing but hollow apologies? Are you due compensation? Then this book could help. Instead of writing letters using red biro and block capitals, underlining every other word, swearing at inappropriate places and writing key words twice as big, follow the 'I want to complain' philosophy and make your letters entertaining; make the person dealing with your complaint want to help you instead of shoving your letter under the pile of others they have to deal with that day and getting to it 'later'. With eight years experience in a customer management role for a multi-national retailer, Peter realised that it was the light-hearted, entertaining letters that received the most satisfactory resolutions. 'I want to complain' explains exactly what life is like on the other end of the call-centre telephone and just how to ensure your complaints are dealt with as a priority. The second section of the book contains a collection of genuine complaint letters Peter has written over the years using the philosophy laid out in the first section, along with their replies so you can see for yourself just how it works. Those companies written to include Marks and Spencer, Tesco, Asda and even Newcastle city council to get a parking ticket revoked - all with positive resolutions. 'I want to complain' hopes to put the 'fun' into refund and the 'jest' into goodwill gesture as it takes you on an entertaining and humorous journey into the world of customer services.

Have you ever ran the 'egg and spoon race' and wondered why it’s not an Olympic sport? Have you ever wondered exactly what weather the ‘all-weather’ pitch was designed for? Have you ever wished that the Nursery Rhyme ‘Humpty Dumpty’ had a happier ending? Then ‘Playground Olympics : an alternative guide to playground games’ has the answers. The book explores the possible origins of the world’s best known playground games such as Hot Lava (where the players will put more effort into throwing each other down the hill than they will into any other aspect of their lives), Rounders (in the moment between the bat striking the ball and the player reaching first bay, hell literally breaks loose) and Tag (which is the only time you'll hear the phrase ‘no returnsies’). There are guides to the games played in P.E. and Sports day along with sections dedicated to other aspects of school life such as ‘alternative uses for a protractor’ and a collection of ‘educationally correct’ nursery rhymes such as Vertically challenged Jack Horner, Mary had a free-range lamb and Baa Baa rainbow sheep. Also included are quizzes to help you find out if you’re smarter than a nine and a half year old, if you were a bully at school and if you’d pass the theory part of the cycling proficiency test (should one exist). If you’ve ever wondered what cavemen used in a game of rock, paper, scissors before paper and scissors were invented or whether it’s best to be the ‘cops’ or the ‘robbers’ in a game of ‘cops and robbers’, then this is the book you've been looking for.

Have you tried every possible diet and had no success? Have you managed to lose weight and then put it all back on again? Are you sick of fad diets that feel like nothing but hard work? Then you need 'Diets Don't Work : an alternative guide to weight loss' which outlines the simple yet effective 'I'm not on a diet - diet'. Sports Therapist Peter Nuttall B.Sc. explains what food is, why you need it and how your body uses it so you'll have a full understanding of how to change your lifestyle and eating habits to lose weight without compromising on the foods you enjoy. "A diet is a regime, a quick fix, a program which can work for a short while but is not sustainable. Once the diet is broken, old habits creep back in and your weight begins to increase once more until you're back where you started. Weight loss can feel like a distant unachievable dream for a lot of people who seem to be on an endless treadmill of different fad diets, abstinence, hunger and unhappiness; but it doesn't have to be that way."

We all face many types of daily stress, anxieties and related conditions such as insomnia and headaches. Left unmanaged and untreated, stress can lead to strokes, high blood pressure, depression, diabetes and cardio-vascular problems. Total Sense Therapy, through the concept of 'Portable Sunshine' has been developed as an at-home, non-medicinal and customisable stress management therapy which can help you to manage stress and its related conditions throughout the day, wherever you are and whenever it is needed. The book, 'No more stress' explains all you need to know about stress. Learning about stress and understanding what happens to you when you experience anxiety is very important when trying to manage it.   The book also explains how Total Sense Therapy works, including the easy-to-understand science behind it.   The final part of the book explains how to set up and get the most from your sessions along with several case studies which give examples of how others have set up, used and benefited from Total Sense Therapy.