Spotify playlist : The Bottom 22 Singles of 1980
In an alternative universe, somebody loves these songs. Someone treasures each and every one of them in their collection. Someone has them on rotation on Spotify. That person needs to have their internet history checked.
Somehow, these singles made it into the UK charts despite making it through A&R, producers and record company executives who all said 'yes please' and signed a cheque which paid the artist, ordered several thousand seven inch vinyl discs and some vans to take them to record shops around the country. They clearly knew something we didn't. If this isn't proof of the illuminati, I don't know what is.
In the universe you're currently living in however, this is a list of the most baffling chart entries of 1980.
(22) Jazz Carnival - Azymuth
Let's start conservatively shall we? There's nothing particularly awful about this but it just sounds like the demonstration mode on one of those Casio keyboards you buy from the middle of LIDL. It also features inappropriate synth drums (the kind found on Kelly Marie's hit 'Feels like I'm in Love') and what I can only describe as a Theramin solo performed by someone who's taken too much Adderall.
The thing about this (well, the thing about Jazz in general) is that every time they played this live the only thing that would be the same was the bass line that plays the same four notes ad infinitum (the track is 9 minutes long!) and, for all we know, they're still in the studio now, looking at each other going, when does this song end? It's been forty odd years...
This ditty reached number 19 somehow.
(21) Buzz Buzz a Diddle it - Matchbox
I have several theories about what the title means, not all of them broadcastable. Matchbox were one of those Rockabilly bands that people with a sense of taste found irritating. As soon as the record starts you know it's going to be the most stressful three minutes of your life, then five seconds later the lead singer screams like he's just stood on an upturned plug. Was the sound engineer throwing cactuses at him during the session? He repeats the indiscriminate screaming whenever there's a musical interlude, yelling, screeching and shouting 'whoo' like he's just cuddled a wasps' nest.
For research purposes, I've just watched a video of them playing this live on stage, teddy-boy haircuts, double-basses and all. The lead singer thought wearing a leather cowboy hat was a good idea; at least this explains the sporadic 'whoos' and 'yee-hahs'. It doesn't help that lead singer Graham Fenton sings like he's trying to fasten a pair of jeans that are too tight for him. 'Buzz Buzz' (which is apparently the sound of a telephone ringing) reached number 22 in January 1980. Rumour has it, the group are still active as of 2024!
(20) Hot Dog - Shakin' Stevens
It's my own fault really for listening to this in the first place. You know what you're going to get when you dig out a Shaky single - 'Green Door', 'This Ol' House' et al. were all jolly karaoke versions of popular standards from the birth of the pop charts. 'Hot Dog' however is another matter entirely.
Originally released by Country singer Buck Owens in 1956, he was so embarrassed of releasing a Rockabilly song, he did so under a pseudonym, Corky Jones. He needn't have worried though as nobody bought it. "Aha!", thought Shakin', "That shall be my debut single!". Let's ignore the fact that the Welsh Cliff Richard then managed FOURTEEN top ten singles in the next five years, and give this disc a spin...
It makes me laugh every single time he screams 'Hot Dog' because it sounds like he's selling them outside a football ground on Match Day, trying to drum up business for his emulsified near-meat cylinders in a stale bun covered with vinegar-heavy tomato sauce substitute. The lyrics to the first verse are a work of art :
My baby works in a hot dog stand
Making them hot dogs as fast as she can
Up steps a cat now don't be slow
Get me two hot dogs ready to go
They don't write them like this any more do they? Shaky scored a number 24 peak on his debut.
(19) TV - The Flying Lizards
You might remember a song that went "Money! That's what I want!" which charted in 1979. The Flying Lizards followed up with this cacophony of Les Dawson inspired musicianship. Some of the instrumentals in this are too Avant-Garde for lovers of Avant-Garde. There's a totally off-key guitar solo by someone who doesn't know what a guitar is. Then there's a trumpet solo which isn't played on the trumpet, but by someone pretending to be a trumpet. The second verse is in French and halfway through the song, a man keeps saying the word 'very' for about a minute. Then as the song fades out, there's a tuba solo played by someone who seems to have climbed inside the tuba with a honey badger.
I can't work out if this is pretentious or an en masse social experiment to see what they can trick the British Public in to paying for. Probably the latter. "TV" reached 43 in the chart and they never troubled the top 100 again.
(18) Alabama Song - David Bowie
You know when you say things like 'That was the worst meal I've ever had' or 'That film was the worst one I've ever seen'? There's always a hint of hyperbole - all you're saying is, you didn't enjoy it very much. Exaggerating, just to accentuate your dislike for something. Well, when I say 'Alabama Song' is the worst thing I've ever heard, there is no hyperbole. I've heard cats fighting over a bin in a back alley that's got a better beat than this. A malfunctioning dishwasher layered over a car alarm mixed with the ambient sounds of a steel foundry has a better melody. I'd rather listen to Nigel Farage read Piers Morgan's autobiography out loud.
"We must find the next Whisky Bar", yells Mr. Bowie - in the next verse it sounds like he found it, downed six bottles of the stuff and then recorded his vocals without knowing what key or tempo the accompanying band were playing in. He's making it up as he goes along surely? And he's definitely drunk.
The tempo keeps changing speed and the musicians sound like one of those bands you get in primary schools where the kids have only had their instruments for three months and they've been told to play 'Three Blind Mice' for the parents. He makes 3 minutes 53 seconds feel like three months. Einstein could have used this to prove his theory of relativity. When the song ends, it's like getting out of the dentist's chair. It still hurts but at least you can go and remind yourself that there's also nice things in the world.
There should have been a prize given to anyone who managed to get to the end of this single without turning it off or sitting fire to their record player. To think, this was the single (a number 23 hit) that preceded the faultless 'Ashes to Ashes'; it makes absolutely no sense. It really does epitomise the phrase 'from the ridiculous to the sublime', if there were such a phrase.
(17) The Greatest Cockney Rip-off - Cockney Rejects
If anything is being ripped off, it's my headphones before throwing them against a wall and filling my ears with cavity wall insulation. Don't let the overdriven guitar fool you; when the 'vocals' start, you'll have to resort to Google to find out what the lead 'singer' is shouting about. I think it's meant to be a Sham 69 and/or Sex Pistol's parody but in that case, it should have been on The Two Ronnies or Not the Nine O'Clock News, not unleashed on an unsuspecting public.
I get Punk and why and where and who - but, I didn't get the bands who were doing impressions of punk bands, shouting and jumping about because they'd seen other people doing it without actually understanding why the original bands were shouting and jumping around. Cockney Rejects were the type of band who incited violence at their gigs, more because of the awful noise they were inflicting on the audience than anything else I should suspect.
(16) Junior Murvin - Police and Thieves
Quite why Junior's voice sounds like it does on this record, I'm not sure. It could be that he needs a more voluminous choice of lower garments or the person who wrote the song, did so before asking Junior what his vocal range was. Couple that with the fact the backing band sound like they've been recorded in a disused leisure centre sports hall and you've got a nauseating and monotonous pseudo-song which makes your face do that thing it does when you smell milk that's just on-the-turn.
Junior reached number 23 and disappeared from the chart run down forever.
(15) Ne-Ne Na-Na Na-Na Nu-Nu - Bad Manners
We've all got a word we use for it haven't we; when we've got company over? Bad Manners, quite politely, call it a 'Ne-Ne Na-Na Na-Na Nu-Nu'. Despite that, this is generic Ska at it's worst. Using the same chord progression as five hundred other songs of the genre, Buster Bloodvessel stands in the background making inane noises, or perhaps is trying to communicate with us in a language he made up when he was six months old? Either way, this song, which is trying to have personality and be 'a bit of a laugh' is just awful.
The original version was by Dicky Doo and the Don'ts, which, just from the name of the band, tells me only pain and suffering down that path lies. Bad Manners got to number 28 with this, their debut single.
(14) The Twilight Zone - Manhattan Transfer
You might know Manhattan Transfer from such hits as 'Chanson D'amour' and... well, that's it really. They did have another six hits, but none you would have heard of. The Europop collective '2 Unlimited' had a song in the early 90s called 'Twilight Zone' but it had nothing to do with the television series. The Manhattan Transfer song 'Twilight Zone' had everything to do with the television series.
It starts with the TV show's theme tune to a 'phat beat' interspersed with some mute guitar, flute and bongos and then a bloke starts speaking spookily over some sound effects until the actual songs starts... even though the verse sounds like one of those songs they'd showcase on an early evening light entertainment show on the BBC on a Tuesday in 1976, it's bearable. However, it soon descends into more dialogue accompanied by that noise they use on The Simpson's Tree House of Horror episodes. Number 25 this got to - number 25!
(13) Chinatown - Thin Lizzy
Not being Thin Lizzy's biggest fan, mostly because Phil Lynott seemed to always do that thing where he sang really fast to try and fit all the words into each line, this song was never going in my favourites pile. I hate the way Phil accentuates the words 'China Town' like he's trying to tell the person on the other side of the glass at a late-night petrol station that he wants a Toffee Crisp but the intercom is broken and they have to lip-read him.
Also, the lyrics are : "There is no relief, There is no beliefs, Not in Chinatown" which makes me gag. F minus I'm afraid. This single got to number 21 in May.
(12) Two Pints of Lager and Packet of Crisps Please - Splodgenessabounds
You only need to hear the first 20 seconds of this single to get the gist. It's another of those omnipresent (at the time) loud guitar, loud drum, shouty shouty songs. It's tongue in cheek but it's still a bunch of talentless morons asking you for your money without giving you anything tangible in return. Another 'comedy' parody that should have been on a sketch show and never committed to vinyl and kept out of people's houses.
Some people probably bought this thinking it was funny but it's not - it's a bloke shouting in an increasingly desperate way as if the bar tender can't hear his order in a loud pub. Hilarious; at least some people thought, helping it get to number 7 in the chart!
Believe it or not, even worse than this was to come from Splodge.
(11) (I'm Not Your) Stepping Stone - Sex Pistols
Let's consider for a moment that the Sex Pistols were supposed to be railing against society and the very fabric that held it together. Producing music that was as anti-establishment as they could manage with anti-royalist lyrics, spitting on people and swearing on the telly. Then consider the fact they were just a vehicle for Malcolm McLaren to sell some Vivienne Westwood Merch and if releasing a cover version of an old Monkees song helped, then by cracky, they'll do it! Add to this that Ant & Dec also released a version of this song in 1996 and your vision of what the Sex Pistols were meant to be is shattered into a thousand tiny rainbows, each being ridden by a unicorn.
This was the song they'd play during the segments of The Monkees television show where they'd run around doing stuff but sped up. It just doesn't scream Sex Pistols does it? In this bad copy version, you've got the signature grungy guitars and John Lydon yelling in a different room to the rest of the band.
The room in which they stored their credibility after the release of this single was suddenly pretty vacant. (I did a joke)
(10) Emotional Rescue - The Rolling Stones
I don't suppose you'd ever associate The Rolling Stones with bad singles but pop this on and you'll be scratching your head. Suffering from the same thing that afflicted Junior Murvin, Mick Jagger decides it might be a good idea to don a pair of metal underpants and make his way into the vocal booth.
There definitely isn't any rescuing your emotions after being subjected to this two-chord song which does nothing other than allow Mick the freedom to express his inner demons. He tells is that the woman he's singing about is a poor girl in a rich man's house. Quite what this means is beyond me but I've heard more intricate melodies in Book 1 of the Bass Trombone edition of the 'A Tune a Day' series. As unspectacular a single as you're ever likely to hear.
(9) D.K. 50-80 - John Otway & Wild Willy Barrett
John : Let's think of a really catchy name for our song.
Willy: Well, what are the lyrics? Maybe we can use the first line of the chorus or something?
John: We've taken a sample of a song from a band called 'Sausage' and played it backwards in the intro
Willy: And?
John: They sing K.D. 80/50
Willy: So we call it K.D. 80/50?
John: No, D.K. 50/80. It's backwards.
So, you can see how this single is going to go already can't you? Apart from the reversed sample at the start, John Otway sings into a delay machine so that every word is doubled, subjecting you to a more jarring experience than being catapulted out of a shopping trolley into a holly bush. This group's following at live shows was immensely larger than those who went out and bought their records for some reason so, in order to have a chart hit, they told anyone who wanted to attend their next tour that they had to have a copy of this single to get in (they didn't need a ticket!).
It helped the single up to number 45 in the chart. What annoys me about this though, is that there's a really good song in there somewhere but whoever was producing didn't step in and tell them they had a decent hit record if only they'd dial down the weird. Pity really. You can hear this song in Erasure's 'Star' if you listen closely, not that I think Erasure were inspired by this - in fact, nobody has ever or will ever be inspired by this.
(8) Burning Car - John Foxx
John Foxx (of Ultravox) was a huge influence on Gary Numan who cited him in several interviews - very respectful. John Foxx probably took umbrage to Gary Numan's relatively instant success on the music scene and I'm guessing that this song was a veiled attack. For a start, by 1980, 'Burning Car' wasn't original and it just made John look like he was copying off Numan rather than, as Foxx probably thought, the other way round. He would have been better ignoring Gary altogether as this sort of electronica was already passé.
Apart from the passable synth backing track, John shouts 'It's a burning car' over and over like he's pointing at one out of the window and he's trying to get the attention of anyone in the room, but everyone is ignoring him and getting on with their sudokus. None of his solo singles climbed past number 31 and this one in particular stalled at number 35.
(7) Bank Robber - The Clash
This was a long awaited release so it was weird when it finally came out and was just a rehash of 'I fought the law' which was a cover of a Cricket's (as in 'Buddy Holly and the') song. You can't get more banal than this; firstly they slowed down what was once an upbeat Buddy Holly rhythm and then tried to cash-in on the Reggae revival by trying out the genre for themselves - badly. Listening to this all the way through is like having to peel one of those massive oranges where the skin just comes off in tiny pieces and then the thing turns out to be bitter and not worth the effort in the end. This dirge of a nursery rhyme got to number 12, which is beyond baffling. It's perplexing. It's Perplaffling.
(6) C30 C60 C90 - Bow Wow Wow
Malcolm McLaren was back with another highly controversial subject - that of recording songs off the radio. More angry guitars mixed with conga drums this time. This song has the distinction of being the first ever cassette single, given the subject matter. Who used C30s though is anybody's guess. Both the A-side and B-Side were on the A-side of the cassette which left the B-side blank for people to record songs off the radio on to it. It's ironic or meta or something.
The backing band for Bow Wow Wow were poached from Adam and the Ants and Anabella Lwin was talent spotted singing in a dry cleaners. The result was this single which sounded like Malcolm had locked them all in a kitchen and told them to just kick stuff whilst he recorded it. The charts were very shouty back then weren't they?
Despite all this ethos, the single was terrible and only reached number 34.
(5) Two Little Boys - Splodgenessabounds
Even as a joke, this doesn't make any sense. It reminds me a lot of when the Toy Dolls did a version of Nelly the Elephant in 1984. Why anyone went and bought this when there were at least fifteen thousand other punk songs in the shop that were worth listening to more than this tripe, escapes logic. It insulted the public's intelligence but then, maybe that's what they were trying to do. They were obviously targeting the same people who replied to e-mails from Nigerian Princes in the late 90s.
(4) And the Birds Were Singing - Sweet People
As far as seeing just what the general public would part with their money for, this went above and beyond. I think they were doing it on purpose. If you remember this track then you'll be as aghast as I am it charted.
If you've ever bought one of those CDs containing woodland sounds and pan pipes in a New Age shop, then you probably bought this. It's someone playing an electric stage piano along to various bird noises. Whoever thought of this and convinced the record company to release it is a bona fide psychopath. It got to number 4 in the charts so I don't know which universe I'm supposed to be living in right now. I think I need a lie down.
(3) I Could be so Good for You - Dennis Waterman
If you listen to the first 17 seconds of this single then you might be forgiven for thinking it's going to be quite good. However, that's when Dennis Waterman starts doing what some scientists have called 'singing'. This is what happens when you have Uncle Barry over for Christmas and you forget to lock the drinks cabinet. He gets delusions of grandeur and starts belting out Elvis standards until at least three buttons have popped off his shirt due to the upper-body angular contortions.
Despite the Little Britain sketch, Waterman didn't 'write the feem toon' to Minder, he just shouted it, badly and managed to score a number 3 hit. Watch the video they made as a promo for this, it's hilariously bad. It's basically Dennis wandering around a market in the East End acting like Billy Big Bananas and being generally embarrassing.
(2) There's No one Quite Like Grandma - St. Winifred's School Choir
'Grandma we love you', sing over 200 children, painting a picture in my head of a solitary Grandma surrounded by all of her progeny, not quite fitting into the photograph on the single's front cover. This song was a cynical cash-grab, knowing that children up and down the land would buy the single in lieu of an actual useful and thoughtful Christmas present for their poor Grandmothers who had to put this record on when the Grandkids came round and pretend it was a heartfelt gesture of adoration and not, as was actually true, a relief that they didn't have to come up with a generic gift idea of their own.
If you like children then your heart probably fills with the sweet sweet sugar of tweeness. If you don't like children then the bit where the child starts singing solo is just a bit creepy and reminds you of the film 'The Omen'. Either way, this song knocked John Lennon's posthumous release 'Just like starting over' off the top spot over Christmas and resigned poor Jonah Lewie's 'Stop the Cavalry' to the number 3 spot.
(1) Rabbit - Chas and Dave
Did anyone order a hot cup of misogyny with a side order of sexism? Cockney wide-boys Chas and Dave weren't to everyone's taste but they often raised a titter with their London-based 'bants'. On this occasion however, they let the mask slip and even though it was a 'different time' it doesn't excuse the grotesque and persistent objectification of whoever they're singing about in the lyrics nor does it excuse the not-at-all-funny hammering-home of the stereotype that women talk a lot.
Throughout the song they 'compliment' their lady friend by telling her that certain parts of her body are 'beautiful' but then announce that they're thinking of breaking off the relationship because she 'won't stop talking'. I wonder if there was ever a moment they looked in the mirror and wondered whether she had some opinions of her own? One of them had one of those beards that you nearly always find a piece of last night's steak pie in and the other one looked like he had a shampoo-phobia. Stick that in your Honky-tonk piano and set fire to it.