Is Autumn all that?

Remember when bees were all ‘Argh! A Bee’ and you used to run around, doing a new form of empty-hand martial art to make sure it didn’t sting you in the face? Well, Bees hired a PR firm which put them on mugs and tea towels and basically turned them from something that could sting you into a bath of calamine lotion to our bestest friends in the whole wide world. If you see a Bee these days, we all salute respectfully and make sure we let them get about their business whilst carrying little bottles of honey as a kind of Bee First-Aid kit, should we see one in trouble on our travels.

I think Autumn must have hired the same PR firm. Think about the way Autumn is depicted by businesses trying to sell you things. Golden crisp leaves that crunch when you stand on them, pumpkin spice flavoured anything, squirrels darting about with a look on their face which suggests they’re late for a very important appointment, fuzzy sweaters that make your teeth itch, hot soup, Ed Sheeran’s hair is in fashion and its Halloween! What fun!

Fake news

This simply is not true. It’s only just turned October and outside its wet, cold, muddy, grey, foggy, wet, cold, dirty, raining, cold and wet. It’s only been two days and I’ve already got Seasonal Affective Disorder. I’ve had to put the heating on, get the big blankets out of the airing cupboard and the hot water bottles are on stand-by. And here in the UK, they’ve started calling it ‘Fall’. It’s Autumn, not fall, and it’s not a wonderful crisp season filled with the joys of Cinnamon despite what the Cinnamon marketing board may tell you. At least Winter has the decency to understand what it is, a constantly dark freezing cold period of biological inactivity. Autumn can’t even make its mind up if it wants to be sunny and cold or warm and wet or both alternating every five minutes.

However, this can’t continue. The PR company who have put Bees and Autumn in most people’s top three favourite things ever, are going to have their work cut out of them when Spiders send them an enquiry e-mail next year asking for an image make-over.

“Yoo-hoo, Can I live in your house please?”

The Worst Singles of 1980

Spotify playlist : The Bottom 22 Singles of 1980

In an alternative universe, somebody loves these songs. Someone treasures each and every one of them in their collection. Someone has them on rotation on Spotify. That person needs to have their internet history checked.

Somehow, these singles made it into the UK charts despite making it through A&R, producers and record company executives who all said 'yes please' and signed a cheque which paid the artist, ordered several thousand seven inch vinyl discs and some vans to take them to record shops around the country. They clearly knew something we didn't. If this isn't proof of the illuminati, I don't know what is.

In the universe you're currently living in however, this is a list of the most baffling chart entries of 1980.

(22) Jazz Carnival - Azymuth

Let's start conservatively shall we? There's nothing particularly awful about this but it just sounds like the demonstration mode on one of those Casio keyboards you buy from the middle of LIDL. It also features inappropriate synth drums (the kind found on Kelly Marie's hit 'Feels like I'm in Love') and what I can only describe as a Theramin solo performed by someone who's taken too much Adderall.

The thing about this (well, the thing about Jazz in general) is that every time they played this live the only thing that would be the same was the bass line that plays the same four notes ad infinitum (the track is 9 minutes long!) and, for all we know, they're still in the studio now, looking at each other going, when does this song end? It's been forty odd years...

This ditty reached number 19 somehow.

(21) Buzz Buzz a Diddle it - Matchbox

I have several theories about what the title means, not all of them broadcastable. Matchbox were one of those Rockabilly bands that people with a sense of taste found irritating. As soon as the record starts you know it's going to be the most stressful three minutes of your life, then five seconds later the lead singer screams like he's just stood on an upturned plug. Was the sound engineer throwing cactuses at him during the session? He repeats the indiscriminate screaming whenever there's a musical interlude, yelling, screeching and shouting 'whoo' like he's just cuddled a wasps' nest.

For research purposes, I've just watched a video of them playing this live on stage, teddy-boy haircuts, double-basses and all. The lead singer thought wearing a leather cowboy hat was a good idea; at least this explains the sporadic 'whoos' and 'yee-hahs'. It doesn't help that lead singer Graham Fenton sings like he's trying to fasten a pair of jeans that are too tight for him. 'Buzz Buzz' (which is apparently the sound of a telephone ringing) reached number 22 in January 1980. Rumour has it, the group are still active as of 2024!

(20) Hot Dog - Shakin' Stevens

It's my own fault really for listening to this in the first place. You know what you're going to get when you dig out a Shaky single - 'Green Door', 'This Ol' House' et al. were all jolly karaoke versions of popular standards from the birth of the pop charts. 'Hot Dog' however is another matter entirely.

Originally released by Country singer Buck Owens in 1956, he was so embarrassed of releasing a Rockabilly song, he did so under a pseudonym, Corky Jones. He needn't have worried though as nobody bought it. "Aha!", thought Shakin', "That shall be my debut single!".  Let's ignore the fact that the Welsh Cliff Richard then managed FOURTEEN top ten singles in the next five years, and give this disc a spin...

It makes me laugh every single time he screams 'Hot Dog' because it sounds like he's selling them outside a football ground on Match Day, trying to drum up business for his emulsified near-meat cylinders in a stale bun covered with vinegar-heavy tomato sauce substitute.  The lyrics to the first verse are a work of art :

My baby works in a hot dog standMaking them hot dogs as fast as she canUp steps a cat now don't be slowGet me two hot dogs ready to go

They don't write them like this any more do they? Shaky scored a number 24 peak on his debut.

(19) TV - The Flying Lizards

You might remember a song that went "Money! That's what I want!" which charted in 1979. The Flying Lizards followed up with this cacophony of Les Dawson inspired musicianship. Some of the instrumentals in this are too Avant-Garde for lovers of Avant-Garde. There's a totally off-key guitar solo by someone who doesn't know what a guitar is. Then there's a trumpet solo which isn't played on the trumpet, but by someone pretending to be a trumpet. The second verse is in French and halfway through the song, a man keeps saying the word 'very' for about a minute. Then as the song fades out, there's a tuba solo played by someone who seems to have climbed inside the tuba with a honey badger.

I can't work out if this is pretentious or an en masse social experiment to see what they can trick the British Public in to paying for. Probably the latter. "TV" reached 43 in the chart and they never troubled the top 100 again.

(18) Alabama Song - David Bowie

You know when you say things like 'That was the worst meal I've ever had' or 'That film was the worst one I've ever seen'? There's always a hint of hyperbole - all you're saying is, you didn't enjoy it very much. Exaggerating, just to accentuate your dislike for something. Well, when I say 'Alabama Song' is the worst thing I've ever heard, there is no hyperbole. I've heard cats fighting over a bin in a back alley that's got a better beat than this. A malfunctioning dishwasher layered over a car alarm mixed with the ambient sounds of a steel foundry has a better melody. I'd rather listen to Nigel Farage read Piers Morgan's autobiography out loud.

"We must find the next Whisky Bar", yells Mr. Bowie - in the next verse it sounds like he found it, downed six bottles of the stuff and then recorded his vocals without knowing what key or tempo the accompanying band were playing in. He's making it up as he goes along surely? And he's definitely drunk.

The tempo keeps changing speed and the musicians sound like one of those bands you get in primary schools where the kids have only had their instruments for three months and they've been told to play 'Three Blind Mice' for the parents. He makes 3 minutes 53 seconds feel like three months. Einstein could have used this to prove his theory of relativity. When the song ends, it's like getting out of the dentist's chair. It still hurts but at least you can go and remind yourself that there's also nice things in the world.

There should have been a prize given to anyone who managed to get to the end of this single without turning it off or sitting fire to their record player. To think, this was the single (a number 23 hit) that preceded the faultless 'Ashes to Ashes'; it makes absolutely no sense. It really does epitomise the phrase 'from the ridiculous to the sublime', if there were such a phrase.

(17) The Greatest Cockney Rip-off - Cockney Rejects

If anything is being ripped off, it's my headphones before throwing them against a wall and filling my ears with cavity wall insulation. Don't let the overdriven guitar fool you; when the 'vocals' start, you'll have to resort to Google to find out what the lead 'singer' is shouting about. I think it's meant to be a Sham 69 and/or Sex Pistol's parody but in that case, it should have been on The Two Ronnies or Not the Nine O'Clock News, not unleashed on an unsuspecting public.

I get Punk and why and where and who - but, I didn't get the bands who were doing impressions of punk bands, shouting and jumping about because they'd seen other people doing it without actually understanding why the original bands were shouting and jumping around. Cockney Rejects were the type of band who incited violence at their gigs, more because of the awful noise they were inflicting on the audience than anything else I should suspect.

(16) Junior Murvin - Police and Thieves

Quite why Junior's voice sounds like it does on this record, I'm not sure. It could be that he needs a more voluminous choice of lower garments or the person who wrote the song, did so before asking Junior what his vocal range was. Couple that with the fact the backing band sound like they've been recorded in a disused leisure centre sports hall and you've got a nauseating and monotonous pseudo-song which makes your face do that thing it does when you smell milk that's just on-the-turn.

Junior reached number 23 and disappeared from the chart run down forever.

(15) Ne-Ne Na-Na Na-Na Nu-Nu - Bad Manners

We've all got a word we use for it haven't we; when we've got company over? Bad Manners, quite politely, call it a 'Ne-Ne Na-Na Na-Na Nu-Nu'. Despite that, this is generic Ska at it's worst. Using the same chord progression as five hundred other  songs of the genre, Buster Bloodvessel stands in the background making inane noises, or perhaps is trying to communicate with us in a language he made up when he was six months old? Either way, this song, which is trying to have personality and be 'a bit of a laugh' is just awful.

The original version was by Dicky Doo and the Don'ts, which, just from the name of the band, tells me only pain and suffering down that path lies. Bad Manners got to number 28 with this, their debut single.

(14) The Twilight Zone - Manhattan Transfer

You might know Manhattan Transfer from such hits as 'Chanson D'amour' and... well, that's it really. They did have another six hits, but none you would have heard of. The Europop collective '2 Unlimited' had a song in the early 90s called 'Twilight Zone' but it had nothing to do with the television series. The Manhattan Transfer song 'Twilight Zone' had everything to do with the television series.

It starts with the TV show's theme tune to a 'phat beat' interspersed with some mute guitar, flute and bongos and then a bloke starts speaking spookily over some sound effects until the actual songs starts... even though the verse sounds like one of those songs they'd showcase on an early evening light entertainment show on the BBC on a Tuesday in 1976, it's bearable. However, it soon descends into more dialogue accompanied by that noise they use on The Simpson's Tree House of Horror episodes. Number 25 this got to - number 25!

(13) Chinatown - Thin Lizzy

Not being Thin Lizzy's biggest fan, mostly because Phil Lynott seemed to always do that thing where he sang really fast to try and fit all the words into each line, this song was never going in my favourites pile. I hate the way Phil accentuates the words 'China Town' like he's trying to tell the person on the other side of the glass at a late-night petrol station that he wants a Toffee Crisp but the intercom is broken and they have to lip-read him.

Also, the lyrics are : "There is no relief, There is no beliefs, Not in Chinatown" which makes me gag. F minus I'm afraid. This single got to number 21 in May.

(12) Two Pints of Lager and Packet of Crisps Please - Splodgenessabounds

You only need to hear the first 20 seconds of this single to get the gist. It's another of those omnipresent (at the time) loud guitar, loud drum, shouty shouty songs. It's tongue in cheek but it's still a bunch of talentless morons asking you for your money without giving you anything tangible in return. Another 'comedy' parody that should have been on a sketch show and never committed to vinyl and kept out of people's houses.

Some people probably bought this thinking it was funny but it's not - it's a bloke shouting in an increasingly desperate way as if the bar tender can't hear his order in a loud pub. Hilarious; at least some people thought, helping it get to number 7 in the chart!

Believe it or not, even worse than this was to come from Splodge.

(11) (I'm Not Your) Stepping Stone - Sex Pistols

Let's consider for a moment that the Sex Pistols were supposed to be railing against society and the very fabric that held it together. Producing music that was as anti-establishment as they could manage with anti-royalist lyrics, spitting on people and swearing on the telly. Then consider the fact they were just a vehicle for Malcolm McLaren to sell some Vivienne Westwood Merch and if releasing a cover version of an old Monkees song helped, then by cracky, they'll do it! Add to this that Ant & Dec also released a version of this song in 1996 and your vision of what the Sex Pistols were meant to be is shattered into a thousand tiny rainbows, each being ridden by a unicorn.

This was the song they'd play during the segments of The Monkees television show where they'd run around doing stuff but sped up. It just doesn't scream Sex Pistols does it? In this bad copy version, you've got the signature grungy guitars and John Lydon yelling in a different room to the rest of the band.

The room in which they stored their credibility after the release of this single was suddenly pretty vacant. (I did a joke)

(10) Emotional Rescue - The Rolling Stones

I don't suppose you'd ever associate The Rolling Stones with bad singles but pop this on and you'll be scratching your head. Suffering from the same thing that afflicted Junior Murvin, Mick Jagger decides it might be a good idea to don a pair of metal underpants and make his way into the vocal booth.

There definitely isn't any rescuing your emotions after being subjected to this two-chord song which does nothing other than allow Mick the freedom to express his inner demons. He tells is that the woman he's singing about is a poor girl in a rich man's house. Quite what this means is beyond me but I've heard more intricate melodies in Book 1 of the Bass Trombone edition of the 'A Tune a Day' series. As unspectacular a single as you're ever likely to hear.

(9) D.K. 50-80 - John Otway & Wild Willy Barrett

John : Let's think of a really catchy name for our song.
Willy: Well, what are the lyrics? Maybe we can use the first line of the chorus or something?
John: We've taken a sample of a song from a band called 'Sausage' and played it backwards in the intro
Willy: And?
John: They sing K.D. 80/50
Willy: So we call it K.D. 80/50?
John: No, D.K. 50/80. It's backwards.

So, you can see how this single is going to go already can't you? Apart from the reversed sample at the start, John Otway sings into a delay machine so that every word is doubled, subjecting you to a more jarring experience than being catapulted out of a shopping trolley into a holly bush. This group's following at live shows was immensely larger than those who went out and bought their records for some reason so, in order to have a chart hit, they told anyone who wanted to attend their next tour that they had to have a copy of this single to get in (they didn't need a ticket!).

It helped the single up to number 45 in the chart. What annoys me about this though, is that there's a really good song in there somewhere but whoever was producing didn't step in and tell them they had a decent hit record if only they'd dial down the weird. Pity really.  You can hear this song in Erasure's 'Star' if you listen closely, not that I think Erasure were inspired by this - in fact, nobody has ever or will ever be inspired by this.

(8) Burning Car - John Foxx

John Foxx (of Ultravox) was a huge influence on Gary Numan who cited him in several interviews - very respectful. John Foxx probably took umbrage to Gary Numan's relatively instant success on the music scene and I'm guessing that this song was a veiled attack. For a start, by 1980, 'Burning Car' wasn't original and it just made John look like he was copying off Numan rather than, as Foxx probably thought, the other way round. He would have been better ignoring Gary altogether as this sort of electronica was already passé.

Apart from the passable synth backing track, John shouts 'It's a burning car' over and over like he's pointing at one out of the window and he's trying to get the attention of anyone in the room, but everyone is ignoring him and getting on with their sudokus. None of his solo singles climbed past number 31 and this one in particular stalled at number 35.

(7) Bank Robber - The Clash

This was a long awaited release so it was weird when it finally came out and was just a rehash of 'I fought the law' which was a cover of a Cricket's (as in 'Buddy Holly and the') song. You can't get more banal than this; firstly they slowed down what was once an upbeat Buddy Holly rhythm and then tried to cash-in on the Reggae revival by trying out the genre for themselves - badly. Listening to this all the way through is like having to peel one of those massive oranges where the skin just comes off in tiny pieces and then the thing turns out to be bitter and not worth the effort in the end. This dirge of a nursery rhyme got to number 12, which is beyond baffling. It's perplexing. It's Perplaffling.

(6) C30 C60 C90 - Bow Wow Wow

Malcolm McLaren was back with another highly controversial subject - that of recording songs off the radio. More angry guitars mixed with conga drums this time. This song has the distinction of being the first ever cassette single, given the subject matter. Who used C30s though is anybody's guess. Both the A-side and B-Side were on the A-side of the cassette which left the B-side blank for people to record songs off the radio on to it. It's ironic or meta or something.

The backing band for Bow Wow Wow were poached from Adam and the Ants and Anabella Lwin was talent spotted singing in a dry cleaners. The result was this single which sounded like Malcolm had locked them all in a kitchen and told them to just kick stuff whilst he recorded it. The charts were very shouty back then weren't they?

Despite all this ethos, the single was terrible and only reached number 34.

(5) Two Little Boys - Splodgenessabounds

Even as a joke, this doesn't make any sense. It reminds me a lot of when the Toy Dolls did a version of Nelly the Elephant in 1984. Why anyone went and bought this when there were at least fifteen thousand other punk songs in the shop that were worth listening to more than this tripe, escapes logic. It insulted the public's intelligence but then, maybe that's what they were trying to do. They were obviously targeting the same people who replied to e-mails from Nigerian Princes in the late 90s.

(4) And the Birds Were Singing - Sweet People

As far as seeing just what the general public would part with their money for, this went above and beyond. I think they were doing it on purpose. If you remember this track then you'll be as aghast as I am it charted.

If you've ever bought one of those CDs containing woodland sounds and pan pipes in a New Age shop, then you probably bought this.  It's someone playing an electric stage piano along to various bird noises. Whoever thought of this and convinced the record company to release it is a bona fide psychopath. It got to number 4 in the charts so I don't know which universe I'm supposed to be living in right now. I think I need a lie down.

(3) I Could be so Good for You - Dennis Waterman

If you listen to the first 17 seconds of this single then you might be forgiven for thinking it's going to be quite good. However, that's when Dennis Waterman starts doing what some scientists have called 'singing'. This is what happens when you have Uncle Barry over for Christmas and you forget to lock the drinks cabinet. He gets delusions of grandeur and starts belting out Elvis standards until at least three buttons have popped off his shirt due to the upper-body angular contortions.

Despite the Little Britain sketch, Waterman didn't 'write the feem toon' to Minder, he just shouted it, badly and managed to score a number 3 hit. Watch the video they made as a promo for this, it's hilariously bad. It's basically Dennis wandering around a market in the East End acting like Billy Big Bananas and being generally embarrassing.

(2) There's No one Quite Like Grandma - St. Winifred's School Choir

'Grandma we love you', sing over 200 children, painting a picture in my head of a solitary Grandma surrounded by all of her progeny, not quite fitting into the photograph on the single's front cover. This song was a cynical cash-grab, knowing that children up and down the land would buy the single in lieu of an actual useful and thoughtful Christmas present for their poor Grandmothers who had to put this record on when the Grandkids came round and pretend it was a heartfelt gesture of adoration and not, as was actually true, a relief that they didn't have to come up with a generic gift idea of their own.

If you like children then your heart probably fills with the sweet sweet sugar of tweeness. If you don't like children then the bit where the child starts singing solo is just a bit creepy and reminds you of the film 'The Omen'. Either way, this song knocked John Lennon's posthumous release 'Just like starting over' off the top spot over Christmas and resigned poor Jonah Lewie's 'Stop the Cavalry' to the number 3 spot.

(1) Rabbit - Chas and Dave

Did anyone order a hot cup of misogyny with a side order of sexism? Cockney wide-boys Chas and Dave weren't to everyone's taste but they often raised a titter with their London-based 'bants'. On this occasion however, they let the mask slip and even though it was a 'different time' it doesn't excuse the grotesque and persistent objectification of whoever they're singing about in the lyrics nor does it excuse the not-at-all-funny hammering-home of the stereotype that women talk a lot.

Throughout the song they 'compliment' their lady friend by telling her that certain parts of her body are 'beautiful' but then announce that they're thinking of breaking off the relationship because she 'won't stop talking'. I wonder if there was ever a moment they looked in the mirror and wondered whether she had some opinions of her own? One of them had one of those beards that you nearly always find a piece of last night's steak pie in and the other one looked like he had a shampoo-phobia.  Stick that in your Honky-tonk piano and set fire to it.

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Gadgets of the 1980s (Part 2)

Calculator watch

Remember when teachers told you that you needed to learn mental arithmetic because you wouldn’t always have a calculator with you? Well, some geniuses condensed that huge cumbersome block of digits and LCD screens into something you could wear on your wrist. The problem was, you needed a microscope to find the buttons and you needed fingers the width of cocktail sticks to press them. Then, at the beginning of the 1990s, they announced that you were allowed to take calculators into exams anyway, rendering the ten quid you’d spent on your watch, entirely redundant. I wish I’d bought that transformers watch instead now.

We’ve all had the last laugh on our old Maths teachers though haven’t we; now that we have calculators on our mobile phones. Shove that in your pipe and smoke it Mrs Atherton! Mind you, I’m still never sure I’m being given the correct change in shops without using my fingers so maybe she had a point.

Phone box

Ahh, the big red British phone box with its lovely resident aroma of urine (which I’m sure they’re all installed with as standard). The handset was definitely never sanitised and the graffiti on the glass was always of a questionable nature (the phone numbers weren't always for what they said they were for - ahem). They also doubled as shelters when it was raining, as long as you had no sense of smell. You’d have lost it anyway if you stayed in there longer than five minutes.

The payphone itself was a bit of a conundrum especially when they introduced that little button you had to press to connect your call.  You had to dial the number, put your 10p coin into the slot and then when the person you were calling answered, you had to press the blue button to speak to them.  However, when you were trapped in town with just 10p left, about to make a call to arrange someone to come and pick you up to take you home, this new blue button was a menace.  You’d dial, put your 10p in, the other person would answer, you’d both say ‘hello’ eight times because you couldn’t hear each other, then you’d realise you had to press the blue button. Just as you pressed it, the other person would hang up and you’d lose your 10p.

When you finally managed to get through and talk for thirty seconds, a series of beeps would sound to let you know your money was about to run out and your call would end. This made you fit the next three minutes of conversation into the last 10 seconds. Then the dead-line noise would happen leaving both parties feeling a bit weird as you hadn’t said goodbye.  Still better than Facebook in my opinion.

Polaroid

Polaroid made a camera which was a dark-room in your pocket (if you had massive cube-shaped pockets). Its primary purpose was to take ‘instant’ photographs. You’d point the camera, press the button and it would spit out a small square photograph of a grey wall.  Then, as you watched and waited, the thing you’d taken the photograph of would appear. You were never sure whether it had finished developing because it always looked a little bit pale, grainy and like the photo was taken in the 70s regardless of the current decade. It was also a massive problem if you'd taken a photograph of a grey wall because you would never know when or even if it had developed.

Sony Discman

The idea of a portable CD player changed the world (a bit). However, the actual thing didn’t; because it was terrible. It did offer a brand-new level of clarity on the move, as well as the ability to choose tracks which the cassette-based Walkman couldn’t offer.  The biggest issue with them was the fact they weren’t actually portable. Yes, you could carry them around but any hint of movement within two miles of the player would cause the CD to jump. You definitely couldn’t walk with it in your pocket and listen to seamless music. You had to carry it on flat palms as you walked as if it was a Fabergé egg, adjusting your arm height to compensate. This was of course impractical and defeated the object.

The newer models all boasted an anti-rolling mechanism which was meant to buffer the music so that any skips could be compensated for. However, two or three skips in the buffered period would be too much for it and it would jump all over the place meaning you could listen to ABBA's entire back catalogue in under eight seconds.

Most CDs wouldn’t even play unless the player was exactly parallel to the ground. The early Discmans only ever worked by letting you take them somewhere, plonk them on a table and listen to them there. It’s probably why they took the word ‘walk’ out of the ‘Walkman’. They should have called it a ‘Sitman’.

Whistling key rings

I quickly became the most unpopular person in my house the day I got a whistling key ring. At the time, I didn’t have any keys – I just got the thing because it was the height of technology and I had to have it.  The concept was, if you’d lost your keys, you’d whistle and it would play a tune so you could locate them.  In practice, any noise above a certain frequency would set it off.  A whistle, a washing machine, the television, a sneeze or even breathing in and out would set it off.  I was told in no uncertain terms to ‘get rid of that bloody thing’ before it was thrown out of an upstairs window.

1986

Spotify playlist : Top 40 Singles of 1985

1986 signalled a sea change in popular music, the quality of which would slowly decline until something of a renaissance as the 1990s began. Wham! announced their split and saw George Michael embark on a successful, more adult contemporary-focussed, solo career. Madonna dominated the charts with five of her singles from the 'True Blue' album making the top 5, a re-release of a song from 1957 became Christmas Number 1 ('Reet Petite'), 'The Chart Show' (one of the greatest pop programmes ever to grace television) debuted on Channel 4, Rock gods 'Queen' set off on their final ever tour together, Dire Straits hogged the top of the album charts for 10 weeks with 'Brothers in Arms' and Paul Simon's 'Graceland' did likewise for 5 weeks in October/November. We said hello to Charlotte Church, Alex Turner of the Arctic Monkeys and McFly's Danny Jones (all born in 1986) whilst we said goodbye to Phil Lynott.

I listened to the 317 singles which entered the top 40 in 1986 and whittled them down to a best 40 singles of 1986...

(40) (I JUST) DIED IN YOUR ARMS - CUTTING CREW

Apart from the 'ooh-waah!' weirdness at the start of the vocal, this is wonderful pop single. Beautifully constructed by legendary producer Tim Palmer, with just the right level of emotion to distract you from whatever you're doing. The song title was scribbled on a piece of wallpaper by lead singer Nick Van Eede, it's not clear why, and the record company didn't originally want to add (I Just) at the start of the song title but it was pointed out that The Rolling Stones had done it with (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction so they relented. The song reached number 1 in four countries, resting at number 4 in the UK, remaining in the top 10 for four weeks.

If they'd received royalties from every hair dresser who named their shop 'The Cutting Crew' in 1986 , they'd probably have made more from that than from sales of the single.

(39) YOU GIVE LOVE A BAD NAME - BON JOVI

This is probably one of the best named singles of all time. As soon as you hear the title, you hear the song in your head - that's what every record company executive dreams about. Despite the dubious haircuts, Bon Jovi were a good looking band with oodles of charisma so their videos were very engaging, full of energy and positivity, despite the slightly oppressive nature of the lyrics. They never managed a UK number 1, which is surprising indeed but they did have 18 top 10 singles, which is equally surprising.

This was their first hit from their second release, reaching a disappointing number 14 in the chart. Better was to follow however.

(38) DON'T LEAVE ME THIS WAY - THE COMMUNARDS

I have a rule of not including songs in these top 40's if they've previously been released. For example, I didn't include Jackie Wilson's 'Reet Petite' (Christmas number 1 in 1986) because it had troubled the charts in 1957 and, should I venture there in future, it'll be in that top 40 instead. I'm little more fluid with cover versions however, especially when they're as good as this. How do you better a song that's been performed by both 'Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes' and 'Thelma Houston'? Well, in stepped Jimmy Sommerville and said 'Hold my Irn Bru' (He's Scottish you see).

The Communards (of which Jimmy was a member) employed the vocal talents of Jazz singer Sarah Jane Morris. I thought this a weird thing to do because she sounded exactly like Jimmy and it was often difficult to discern who was singing what. Aficionados of the original Philadelphia version probably hated this version but The Communards turned it into something entirely different with Jimmy's soaring falsetto, the Reverend Richard Coles slamming the piano keys with unchristian-like velocity and that middle section where everyone does the 'oooooooooooohhh - baby' crescendo into a key change. Just glorious.

It of course hit Number 1 in the UK and stayed there for four weeks.

(37) LET'S GO ALL THE WAY - SLY FOX

In the Google-less days of 1986, I knew not who Sly Fox were nor from whence they came. All I knew was, they had an extremely catchy pop single that I couldn't get out of my head. It didn't really resemble anything else, which is one of the best things about pop music before the 2000s. It used looped digital processed samples as percussion and had lovely twinkling synth sounds decorating the dead-pan vocals. After this number 3 peaking single, they were never heard from again (not by me anyway).

(36) MY FAVOURITE WASTE OF TIME - OWEN PAUL

I'm not sure that 'You're my Favourite Waste of Time' is much of a compliment but it's nice to know you're the best at something I suppose. The song was written and recorded in 1979 by Marshall Crenshaw and later covered by Bette Midler of all people.  One-hit-wonder Owen Paul released his version in May 1986 and took it to number 3. It's a truly joyous song and one that got me reaching for the volume dial on my radio in the heady summer of '86.

(35) TRAIN OF THOUGHT - A-HA

It's a matter of taste this song  I suppose. Extremely unconventional and miles away from the previous hits, 'Take on Me' and 'The Sun Always Shines on TV'.  The lyrics were inspired by Dostoevsky, not the first place one looks for pop single inspiration. The animated video was actually produced before the famous 'Take on Me' one, and was actually the reason they redid the original 'Take on Me' video, which was bland in the extreme.

This song actually sounds like a train, which I suppose is the point. It reached number 8.

 

(34) KYRIE - MR MISTER

How confused I was when this song popped up in the charts. I'd been playing a piece of music on the piano for years; it was 'Kyrie in D Minor' or 'Kýrie, eléison' (translates as 'Lord have mercy'), by Mr. Mozart (more on him later). This wasn't the pop version of that classical masterpiece - it was a whole different thing entirely. The mid-80s was awash with songs that had huge anthemic choruses and this fitted into that brief perfectly, even stripping it back entirely mid-way through the song, singing it a cappella style didn't remove the pomp.

I was disappointed to learn that this band weren't included as a character in the new batch of Mr. Men books.

'Kyrie' reached number 11.

(33) WORD UP - CAMEO

For most people of the era, this song will forever be associated with a bright red plastic cod piece. If you don't know what I'm talking about, I probably wouldn't Google it if I were you. This song came from Cameo's thirteenth album - despite this being only the second time they'd bothered the top 20 in the UK. The song borrows a motif from 'The Good, The Bad and The Ugly' for reasons known only to Cameo but has a unique (at the time) groove and simple melody which made people like me feel 'cool' because I could sing along, hit all the notes and feel like maybe one day, I could wear a big red cod piece too.

Word Up! settled at number 3 in September 1986.

(32) SING OUR OWN SONG - UB40

Not a band I was overly fond of UB40 but this song captured my imagination. It featured Jaki Graham and Ruby Turner on backing vocals and reached number five in the UK chart. 'Sing Our Own Song' is an anti-apartheid song, and quite a powerful one at that.

(31) LIVE TO TELL - MADONNA

What an intro! The first minute of this song is a sonic masterpiece. Atmosphere is one of the most important things to get right when producing music, and this has more atmosphere than a teenagers bedroom. This song features a very different Madonna to the one we were watching rolling around on a Gondola in the 'Like a Virgin' video (in fact we saw a different Madonna with every single song she released).

Here she is sombre, almost vulnerable, speaking of regrets and fears. Her range as a pop star was expanding with every release - and nobody expected something like this from her. It's still an all time classic song - it's not higher in the list because it doesn't really fit the brief of what a single should be and, In my opinion, it was bold to release this as the lead single from the album 'True Blue' when you had others like 'Papa Don't Preach', 'Open Your Heart', 'La Isla Bonita', 'Where's the Party' and 'True Blue' to choose from. Thinking about it, 'True Blue' is probably the album of the decade *checks notes* actually, it was the best selling album of 1986 - beating Brothers in Arms! (However, it was only 10th biggest seller of the decade - Brothers in Arms was number 1)

'Live to Tell' reached number 2 behind 'Rock Me Amadeus' in May.

(30) STRIPPED - DEPECHE MODE

Depeche Mode became louder, darker, scarier and more confident as time went on. This was a million miles away from 'Just Can't Get Enough' and was probably the reason bands like Nine Inch Nails, Smashing Pumpkins, Pearl Jam and Marilyn Manson existed and nudged their way into the charts come the 90s. This was the birth of the industrial sound and it wasn't fully embraced by the record buying public in 1986, nor it seems, by the Depeche Mode fan base. It only reached number 15 and only remained in the top 40 for four weeks; it was very definitely before it's time.

(29) LIFE'S WHAT YOU MAKE IT - TALK TALK

The mixture of the piano loop and the wonderous guitar part makes this single a winner well before the vocals even start. It sneaked into the number 16 spot in the chart in January 1986 however, I don't remember this from 1986, my entire memory of the song is from it's re-release in 1990 when it reached number 23. Similarly, their 1984 song 'It's My Life' was re-released in 1990 and reached number 13. Probably the best marketing decision their record company ever made, doubling their royalties without putting much actual work in to do so. Probably.

(28) LAND OF CONFUSION - GENESIS

Hard to believe, but 70s and 80s UK chart regulars Genesis only scored eight top ten hits. Probably because Phil Collins had so many solo hits, it was difficult to tell which were his and which were Genesis. This was unequivocally Genesis though, the searing keyboards, bombastic production and chugging infectious guitar line proving they were probably better as a three than as a Collins solo record or a Mike and the Mechanics offshoot.

The heavy political message of the song was juxtaposed by the whole thing being played out by Spitting Image puppets, making you unsure whether to laugh or cry.  The song reached number 14, one better than their previous release that year 'Invisible touch', which has one of the best mis-heard lyrics of all time : "She seems to have an invisible todger". Have a listen and tell me that's not what he's saying.

(27) PANIC - THE SMITHS

This is absolutely one of the best produced singles of all time. It's flawless which is a feat in itself for a track with so many jangly guitars and syncopated rhythms (a gracious nod to the musicians involved). One of those straight in and out songs which doesn't hang around, outstay its welcome and begs to be played just one more time. Being a protest about 'modern' pop music, when it was played on primetime radio among the songs it outwardly criticised, I'm sure Morrissey afforded himself a wry smile.

If this was Morrissey's commentary about the tepid nature of pop music in 1986, lord knows what he thinks of it these days. Music was recorded by musicians back then, regardless of its perceived quality, I'm sure he'd rather be listening to 1986 than 2026. The Beatles used to release singles that didn't appear on Albums and The Smiths carried that on to a certain extent. Panic didn't appear on an album which probably helped it up to a healthy number 11 in August. If you think it's a crime this didn't break the top 10, just remember that songs such as 'I Want to Wake up With You', Stan Ridgeway's 'Camouflage' and Sinitta's 'So Macho' were all higher in the chart. I know.

(26) BEGINNING (MAMBA SEYRA) - BUCKS FIZZ

I don't know how many drums are used on this single but it's probably more than the rest of the top 40 at the time put together. I'm not aware of another pop song prior to this one that leaned in on the rhythms so heavily, but it lit up the record. The song had actually been recorded by 'The Dooleys' (of 'Chosen Few' fame) under a pseudonym. However, after Jay Aston had left Bucks Fizz and been replaced by Shelley Preston, it was chosen as the former Eurovision winners' come-back single.

The song reached number 8 and became their final chart entry. For those of you not au fait with the back catalogue of Bucks Fizz, I would urge you to give their Greatest Hits a spin, you'll be surprised by how many songs you actually like.

(25) ROCK ME AMADEUS - FALCO

Being a classical pianist by the age of 11, I was probably the only kid at my primary school who knew who 'Amadeus' was. I didn't speak German however so knew only that the song was about Mozart and probably about how he wrote what could have been considered the 'pop' music of his day. It topped the charts in 10 different countries including the UK. It probably wasn't the first 'Euro-dance' track to enter the chart but the genre was far more prevalent in the months and years following.

(24) MANIC MONDAY - THE BANGLES

Written by Prince, the melody of the opening line is exactly the same as that on 1999. For 'Six o'clock already I was just in the middle of a dream', read 'I was dreaming when I wrote this, forgive me if it goes astray'. The song had been written for Apollonia 6 (a Prince mentored trio) but subsequently pitched to The Bangles who gratefully snapped the song up.  It was a watershed moment that plopped the foursome on the pop map and enabled further chart success.

It's a very simple song with a Nursery Rhyme quality but that's what makes it such a great single - it's hooky and bright. It entered the top 10 and rose quickly to number 2 behind Diana Ross' 'Chain Reaction' in what was probably the worst top 10 of the year - '(Nothing Serious) Just Buggin' was at number 7, 'Hi Ho Silver' at number 6, 'New York, New York' was at number 4 for some reason and 'Love Missile F1-11' by Sigue Sigue Sputnik was at number 3. The 80s clearly wasn't all legwarmers and Rubik's cubes.

(23) THE EDGE OF HEAVEN - WHAM!

I can still feel this in my bones. It had been announced that Wham! were to split up after a concert at Wembley Stadium in the summer of '86. Mr. Michael had become too big for the vehicle he was 'the shy one' of at the beginning. Wham! had become a definition of the mid-80s charts and as news of their split emerged, it ensured that this song entered the chart at number 2, rising to number 1 for the two weeks following. In it's own right, this song is what the pop charts were created for. It's big, brash, loud and glossy, everything George Michael's subsequent pop career wasn't.

(22) TRUE COLORS - CYNDI LAUPER

A truly great pop vocal performance here, probably one of the very best. I'd like to have heard her sing Madonna's 'Live to Tell', it would definitely have given it a certain fractured quality that could have made it even better?

The demo for this song was a gospel-style 'Bridge over Troubled Water' thing, but Cyndi saw through that and completely dismantled it in favour of the stark version that ended up at number 12, criminally. Again, the songs which were higher in the chart tell a story of an eclectic bunch of people going into record shops and buying 'Every Loser Wins' by Eastenders' own Nick Berry (Number 1), 'In the Army now' (Number 4), 'Midas Touch' (Number 10) and that man again, Boris Gardner with 'You're Everything to Me'. You can't say that there wasn't something for everyone in those days I suppose.

(21) ROSES - HAYWOODE

If you're looking to write a good pop song then you'll need a hook, a good melody, some energy, a great vocal and memorable lyrics. You don't always need those things but in this case, they're all present and correct. The guitar part over the inbetween-bits is the hook here. I get chills whenever I hear it and Haywoode's vocal is perfect for upbeat chirpy pop music like this. She'd made six previous attempts to chart but got no higher than number 48 with her 1983 single 'A Time Like This'. 'Roses' was released in 1985 and reached number 65 but it was re-released and made it's way up to number 11 in August 1986.

(20) VENUS - BANANARAMA

This is probably the song Bananarama are most associated with but it probably ushered in a bland new era for them when they'd been doing so well previously. Their collaborations with Fun Boy 3 had been unusual, their debut album was uniquely interesting, 'Robert DeNiro's Waiting' and 'Cruel Summer' were all time classics, even 'Rough Justice' was erring on the more adult contemporary side. However, although Venus is a brilliant pop song, I didn't think it suited them and Siobhan Fahey agreed; after the release of 'Love in the First Degree', she left citing musical blandness and formed the faultless alternative-pop group 'Shakespears Sister'.

'Venus' reached number 8 in July.

(19) DIGGING YOUR SCENE - BLOW MONKEYS

If smooth lounge jazz isn't your thing or you think saxophones are seedy, then I challenge you to deny you like this song. To say its soulful is to say water is slightly wet. It's full of emotion and sexiness and was created by people who knew their musical instruments (including their voices) inside and out. This was their second release and first hit single (number 12) and although they only had one top 10 success ('It Doesn't Have to Be This Way'), they're still around and about in 2024.

(18) OPEN YOUR HEART - MADONNA

Madonna's range as a pop vocalist was stretched once more on this track to the point you believed she was capable of anything. Originally called 'Follow Your Heart' and written for Cyndi Lauper, Madonna's management quickly snapped the song up and with Madge's help, turned it from a Rock and Roll song into a Pop track. This is the highest charting song called 'Open Your Heart' (Number 4) beating Human League (6), Europe (86) and M People (9). Incidentally, Europe's 'Open Your Heart' is brilliant and should have been a top 10 hit for the piano and guitar parts alone. (Incidentally, Madonna's 'Open Your Heart' was stopped from climbing a further place to number 3 by Europe's 'Final Countdown')

(17) HAPPY HOUR - THE HOUSEMARTINS

Paul Heaton is a master wordsmith and an A1 level song writer. The Beautiful South song 'A Little Time' is one of the greatest singles of all time, in fact, most of The Beautiful South's singles were brilliant. 'Happy Hour', lyrically, is superb, taking a swipe at sexism, 'yuppies' and godawful people who think they're something they're not. The chorus glues the whole thing together and Heaton's voice lends a jovial sardonic tone which ensures the song doesn't tip over into anything too acerbic. Genius really.

The song reached number 3 in June behind Wham!'s 'Edge of Heaven' and Madonna's 'Papa Don't Preach'. Not bad for a first hit single.

(16) SPIRIT IN THE SKY - DOCTOR AND THE MEDICS

I can never think of this as a novelty single. The Gothic costumes, backing singers with creepy wigs and accompanying hand dances, over the top makeup, huge theatrics and a glam-rock infused re-imagining of the Norman Greenbaum classic all pointed towards 'novelty'. But you know what? It totally works as a genuine assault on the chart. That filtered guitar riff at the beginning is so crisp, it opens the track perfectly. The original got to number 1 in 1970 and sixteen years later, Dr. and the Medics took it to number 1 again for three weeks.

(15) TOUCH ME (I WANT YOUR BODY) - SAMANTHA FOX

You shouldn't ever really do what pop singles tell you to but, if you have to, make sure you've got at least two bottles of hand sanitizer. This single was a genuine surprise. Someone who was famous for something else entirely, releasing a pop single? When has that ever gone well? Well - right here actually.

Ms. Fox had a perfectly decent pop voice (she'd been auditioned by a record company who were looking for a new British Madonna) and with this track, sold the entire thing perfectly well. I'm a little troubled by the metaphor in the second verse : 'Like a tramp in the night, I was begging for you'. Not entirely sure she knows what a tramp is but regardless of that, a decent number 3 hit was a good way to start a much more dignified career.

(14) WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH, THE TOUGH GET GOING - BILLY OCEAN

If the musicians union weren't miffed enough by the advent of synthesizers and miming on Top of the Pops, they were forced to write a strongly worded letter when Billy Ocean's video featured Kathleen Turner, Michael Douglas and Danny DeVito singing backup (as they were in the film 'The Jewel of the Nile' of which 'When the Going Gets Tough' was the theme song) even though they weren't the vocalists on the record. The video was then temporarily banned from Top of the Pops when it turned out that Danny DeVito (who mimed playing a saxophone) wasn't in the Musicians Union and that was 'against the rules'. This begs the question of how Jason Donovan ever got on Top of the Pops?

Whoever wrote that moogling (sic) bassline at the start of the song needs a trophy of some sort. The song hit number 1 and stayed there four weeks in April.

(13) HOLDING BACK THE YEARS - SIMPLY RED

The perfect song to explain my opinion of what makes a great song and what makes a great single. 'Holding Back the Years' is a masterpiece. Vocally, musically, atmospherically, lyrically, sentimentally, emotionally - brilliant song but not the best single. It's a song that takes a while to take hold of you, a good few listens to understand fully - a single should grab you straight away. Mick Hucknall wrote it when he was 17 and on it's first release in 1985, it peaked at 51. This was after the band's breakthrough with the number 13 hit 'Money's Too Tight to Mention'.

The song is backed by a beautiful video, filmed in the gorgeous Yorkshire town of Whitby. Just delightful.

(12) IF YOU WERE HERE TONIGHT - ALEXANDER O'NEAL

One of my favourite songs of all time was the single preceding this Alex classic, 'A Broken Heart Can Mend'. I get the same chills I had on first listen whenever I pop it on. It only managed to climb to number 53 in the UK. However, when 'If You Were Here Tonight' appeared and climbed to number 6, I knew Alex was going to be massive. The decorative piano riff which persists throughout the track is gorgeous, layer that with Alex's Galaxy Caramel voice and you've got something wonderous to put on repeat for an hour (at least). The B-side 'What's Missing' is, if anything,  better than the A-side, making it a must buy (if you've got a time machine).

(11) PAPA DON'T PREACH - MADONNA

From the stabbing orchestral intro to the perfect synth bass, this is a perfectly produced piece of glossy pop loveliness. Of course, there's the Madonna-signature controversial lyrical content but it made for an interesting and compelling song with an actual story and message - something not always present in the bubble-gum pop of the time (such as 'Do Ya Do Ya (Wanna Please Me)' by Samantha Fox).

It spent six weeks in the top 3 and three weeks at number 1. The song was tainted for me slightly when 'vocalist' Kelly Osbourne took it to number 3 in 2002 somehow. This was before downloads counted towards chart positions so people were actively physically leaving their houses to part with actual money to own that song. Ladies and Gentlemen, the power* of reality TV.

*iniquity

(10) BIG MOUTH STRIKES AGAIN - THE SMITHS

Originally the 'La-di-da ha-ha' bits in this song annoyed me. It made me wonder how the record executives involved in making the decisions around the production and release of this song hadn't noticed. Then, I got older and my appreciation of such things matured. These days, I look back on this as a watershed for pop music. Everything about this single is magnificent. Joan of Arc's Walkman, smashing teeth, Roman noses and having no right to take a place in the human race - wonderful wordsmithery by the Smiths - maybe that's how they got their name?

The final chart position of number 26 doesn't in any way reflect the genius of this song - probably because none of us were ready for it. Maybe we're still not.

(9) SLEDGEHAMMER - PETER GABRIEL

I'm not sure there was a human being in the UK who hadn't seen the Sledgehammer video. How successful this song would have been without the video, I'm not sure, but it's very well crafted all the same. The parent album 'So' is one of the best of the 80s and in 'Mercy Street' has one of the best songs of the 80s. A number 4 placing matched that of 'Games Without Frontiers' as Peter Gabriel's highest chart placing to date.

(8) THROUGH THE BARRICADES - SPANDAU BALLET

From their debut, a number 6 hit with 'To Cut a Long Story Short', Spandau managed at least one top 10 hit in each of the first five years of the 80s. They skipped 1985 but came back with a bang in 1986 with 'Fight for Ourselves' and this masterpiece of a song 'Through the Barricades'. It was mature and beautifully structured; it showcased Tony Hadley's voice wonderfully too. This, their last top ten hit, mirrored the first in that it climbed to number 6.

(7) WE DON'T HAVE TO TAKE OUR CLOTHES OFF - JERMAINE STEWART

This is exactly how to have a hit single. The muted beginning to the song promises so much and then, after the bass-scratch, squirts pop music in your face like a pressure washer. I taped this when it was on the television and watched it back every single night for weeks. It was the song around which all other songs revolved in 1986 for me. Jermaine did have other hits despite his billing as a one-hit-wonder. His 1988 track 'Say it Again' is brilliant.

You don't have to take your clothes off to have a good time, which is a good job because it never gets above 8 degrees here in the North East of England. The track reached number 2 for two weeks stalling behind The Communards' 'Don't Leave me This Way'.

(6) ADDICTED TO LOVE - ROBERT PALMER

There were many moments in my life when I heard a new song and thought music couldn't get any better. Heaven 17's 'Temptation' was one of those moments. Tasmin Archer's 'Sleeping Satellite' was another. 'Addicted to Love' changed my life slightly for three and a half minutes in June 1986. I couldn't understand how a song this good was even possible.

It was originally mooted to be a duet with Chaka Khan. Although she couldn't work a release from her record company to do so, she's still credited with the vocal arrangements - and you can really hear her singing it in your mind's ear. The track features the rhythm guitar work of Duran Duran's Andy Taylor (who was also in The Power Station with Robert Palmer). The video for the song was striking too, utilising a striking Patrick Nagel-inspired backing group (another Duran Duran link; he designed the cover of their album 'Rio'). It reached number 5.

(5) LOVE COMES QUICKLY - PET SHOP BOYS

In my 1985 commentary, I noted how The Pet Shop Boys never struck me as a very good pop group - almost anti-pop in their personae and completely without imagination in their image. However, 'West End Girls' was a genre defining song. 'Love Comes Quickly' is moribund and moody. The Synths in this song are used very intelligently and I don't even mind Neil Tennant's voice on this. Strange on the back of 'West End Girls' and its massive success that this follow up just scratched the top 20, reaching number 19 before falling away.

(4) SANCTIFY YOURSELF - SIMPLE MINDS

Turn this one up to full volume!

I'm not sure how to Sanctify Yourself but Simple Minds seem adamant that you should for some reason. This song has one of the best introductions of the 80s - gets the blood moving and the old right foot tapping. The vocal tune in the verse is all a bit random but the chorus and musical in-between-bits more than make up for it. It reached number 10 in February.

(3) HOUNDS OF LOVE - KATE BUSH

'Its in the trees! It's coming!'

Kate Bush in full flow here. You can tell she's in her element regardless of the insecure and very stark lyric. Consider this : 'I found a fox caught by dogs, He let me take him in my hands, His little heart, it beats so fast, And I'm ashamed of running away from nothing real. I just can't deal with this. I'm still afraid to be there among the hounds of love.'

This is a prime example of Kate being either a very brave songwriter or a very Avant Garde one. Probably both.

Although it didn't resonate at all with the single-buying public, it's another of those (like so many in my to 40) that have the passage of time to thank for us realising just how blessed we were to live through these iconic times and that the songs from those days sound so much better the older they get.

It only rose to a criminally low number 18 - Kate was always more of an albums artist anyway. The parent album, also called 'Hounds of Love' of course hit number 1 for three weeks and remained on the chart for 68 weeks.

(2) HIGHER LOVE - STEVE WINWOOD

 Steve 'Spencer Davis Group and Traffic' Winwood did manage to get Chaka Khan to appear on his record, in this case, performing backing vocals. 'Higher Love' is a song which endures. It was brilliant at the time and it's still brilliant now. That drum intro was a complete accident. It was recorded without the drummer knowing - he was playing around during a break - and it was spliced onto the beginning of the track.

It only reached number 13 in July but I'm sure Steve will take some solace in knowing he's a number 2 in my mind.

(1) BROKEN WINGS - MR MISTER

I was once asked by a very strange friend of mine, 'If you were trapped in a lift forever and had to listen to one song on repeat, what would it be?' Without hesitation, I said 'Broken Wings'. I must have listened to this song at least once a month since the advent of Spotify (before then, it was on a hissy Memorex C90 with the last few seconds missing because the tape ran out). As vocal performances go, this takes some beating. As guitar accompaniments and simple but effective synth bass parts go, it also has very few peers. It's no spoiler to say that when I've done my top 40 of 1989, and I sum up with my top 10 of the 1980s, this will probably be number 1. The public didn't agree however, nudging it up to number 4 in January 1986 behind A-Ha's 'Sun Always Shines', Dire Straits' 'Walk of Life' and Pet Shop Boys' 'West End Girls' which had started falling back down the chart.

 

If you want to see my blog about 1985 click here, or if you'd like to dip into the 70s, click here

 

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1985

Spotify playlist : Top 40 Singles of 1985

1985 was a big year for music, not least for the fact Queen, King, Prince and Princess were all in the charts at the same time but also, it was the year of Live Aid. Following on from the success of the Band Aid single which raised millions for famine relief in Ethiopia, scores of the biggest names in music came together to perform in what still remains the greatest single music event in history. Mick Jagger and David Bowie teamed up to cover the Marvin Gaye penned 'Dancing in the Street' for the same charity, scoring a number 1. Russ Abbot had an All Night Holiday, Denise Lasalle warned us all about messing with her 'Toot-Toot' and Rory Bremner released a rather amusing parody cover of Paul Hardcastle's '19' entitled 'N-N-Nineteen (Not Out)'.  Jimmy Nail surprised us all with his decent singing voice on Series 2 of 'Auf Wiedersehen Pet' and subsequently hit the charts with 'Love Don't Live Here Anymore'. Billy Connolly released a 45 of his theme tune to the Kids' TV Show 'Supergran' and the phenomenon that was Whitney Houston charted for the first time with 'Saving All My Love For You'.

I listened to the 292 singles which entered the top 40 in 1985, whittled them down to a short-list of 132 and after a LOT of deliberation, present to you my best 40 singles of 1985...

(40) IN TOO DEEP - DEAD OR ALIVE

After pillaging on the high-seas (or at least dressing like that's what he'd been up to), Pete Burns and Dead or Alive released this mid-80s disco anthem as the third single from their Youthquake album. Producer Pete Waterman disagreed with the release saying it was too different from 'You Spin me Round' and would therefore alienate record buyers. He was partially correct as the song only reached number 14 but I actually think this is brilliant, regardless of how unalike the two records are. I particularly enjoy the clever synth motif before each verse, being as I am, a connoisseur of such things.

(39) INTO THE GROOVE - MADONNA

Madonna was definitely getting into her groove with this release. To say that she was ubiquitous in 1985 is to understate just how 'everywhere' she was.  This was her first number 1 single in the UK and remains her best selling single to date. The song also featured in 'Desperately Seeking Susan' in which she appeared.  This is a proper pop song; infectious, punchy and provocative, it was clear, even at this moment in time, that Madonna was destined for great things.

(38) LOVE AND PRIDE - KING

This was the debut single of band 'King', getting nowhere when it was first released in 1984. The world clearly wasn't ready for lead singer Paul King's shiny drainpipe trousers. It was re-released after a TV performance generated interest and it shot all the way up to number 2. The video features Paul wasting cans of spray paint and ruining his new Doctor Martens on a demolition site. There's worse things to get up to on a Saturday I suppose.

The B-side of the double seven-inch pack was called 'I Kissed the Spikey Fridge'. Told you there were worse things to get up to.

(37) RASPBERRY BERET - PRINCE AND THE REVOLUTION

A wonderful ditty this. Prince tells us about the time he worked in a shop, became entranced by a customer wearing a reddish-brown French hat and then popped off to a local farm with her before getting trapped in a barn by a thunderstorm. It doesn't sound like the best song in the world but it's definitely one of the best 37 songs of 1985.

In the video, Prince sports a lovely cloudy sky print suit with regency neck ruffle - a look that not every pop star could successfully sell as entirely normal. Legend has it that Ian Broudie mis-heard the lyric 'Thunder drowns out what the lightning sees' and, when he found out they didn't actually contain the phrase 'Lightning Seeds', he used it to name his band.

(36) OUT IN THE FIELDS - GARY MOORE AND PHIL LYNOTT

A mini-Thin Lizzy reunion, Gary asked Phil to join him on a song he'd written about the troubles in Northern Ireland and Phil obliged. It's raucous, raw and stark with a brilliant opening thirty seconds. Gary also released the excellent 'Empty Rooms' in 1985 which reached number 23. Out in the fields peaked at number 3 giving Gary his highest chart placing since 1979's Parisienne Walkways.

(35) SHAKE THE DISEASE - DEPECHE MODE

I was laughed out of a classroom at school once for calling this band 'De-Pesh-Ay Mode' - mainly because that's what David 'Kid' Jensen called them on the radio constantly. Apparently it's pronounced 'De-Pesh Mode', not that I'm still haunted by that particular moment in my life. This was a new song which they included on the compilation 'Singles 81-85' and released as a single in April '85. They'd really begun to master the industrial sound at this stage of their career and would only get better.

 

(34) LIFE IN A NORTHERN TOWN - DREAM ACADEMY

What a debut single this was. Problem was, they didn't follow it up; this number 15 peaking single was their only UK chart entry. Co-writer Nick Laird-Clowes had none other than Paul Simon as a mentor and when he told him he was going to call the song 'Morning lasted all day', Simon told him that was rubbish and to try again. 'Life in a Northern Town' was born, a tale of the decline of the Shipping Industry. The African-esque chorus was sampled by Dario G in 1997 for their hit single 'Sunchyme'.

(33) MIAMI VICE THEME - JAN HAMMER

It's Hammer time, and Jan  can be seen programming a Fairlight in the video - oh how jealous I was. I had to put up with a slightly out of tune upright piano in 1985 but it certainly added a certain jaunty air to 'Alex F' that the composer hadn't intended. This was the theme tune to the hugely popular Miami Vice, a TV show I was too young to either watch or understand. The synth stabs part-way through bear too much similarity to the main hook of 'Celebrate' by Kool and the Gang for my liking. However, this was a very exciting record which paved the way for more electronic instrumental singles in the coming years.

(32) THERE MUST BE AN ANGEL (PLAYING WITH MY HEART) - EURYTHMICS

Long before Mariah Carey tried using every single available note in every song, Annie Lennox managed it in this chart topping piece of perfection. It was Dave and Annie's first and only number 1 single after which they diversified from their winning formula of accessible jaunty pop music into more brooding and serious songs which always made the best of Annie's unique and beguiling vocals. I don't care for many Eurythmics songs but I listen anyway for the vocal performances alone.

Stevie Wonder pops up half-way through with his harmonica - a prolific session musician, it would blow your mind if you saw the list of songs he'd lent his vocals, keyboard and harmonica skills to over the years. His harmonica can also be heard on Elton John's "I Guess That's Why they Call it the Blues", Chaka Khan's "I Feel For You" and Prefab Sprout's 'Nightingales".

(31) SUDDENLY - BILLY OCEAN

Ahh, the first song I attempted at Karaoke and quickly realised that 2-Unlimited's 'No Limits' was probably more my style. Billy had started his career strongly with two number 2 peaking singles in 1976/1977 before disappearing from the charts for 7 years. He popped back up again in 1984 with the release of his fifth album "Suddenly".

The song "Suddenly" was a surprise chart success in that the arguably more-radio-friendly "Caribbean Queen" and "Loverboy" had already been released from the album and reached 6 and 15 respectively.  This ballad (usually a mis-step for a Pop/Disco artist) did better than either, nestling in at number 4 in June. This surprise is borne out by the fact they didn't make a video for the song; it was just Billy on stage performing to an audience. Saved them a bit of cash I suppose and it didn't do the chart placing any harm at all. Billy's vocal here is as good as you'll ever hear on a pop record.

(30) ELECTION DAY - ARCADIA

Nonsense was Simon Le Bon's forte. He was able to write lyrics that sounded profound but on looking a bit closer, don't actually make any sense whatsoever. Simon invited Grace Jones to read a monologue in the middle of the song and wrote this for her : "Cut open murmurs and sounds be calm hands on skin. Carry further entangled strands." Nonsense aside, "Arcadia" is was what Simon, Nick and Roger did after Duran Duran took a hiatus. Everything was highly stylised from the look to the album art work and although the parent album was a masterpiece, it wasn't quite what the remaining Duranies were after. Neither though, was "The Power Station", the group John and Andy went on to form the same year.

"Election Day" reached a respectable number 7 in the UK.

(29) THE WORD GIRL - SCRITTI POLITTI

Thank goodness (Or EMI, whichever you prefer) for the series that was "Now That's What I Call Music". Having purchased every edition up to the then-current number 5 (on which "The Word Girl" appeared as track 2), I was baffled by how many songs in the circa. 30 tracks each edition contained that I'd never heard on the radio or Top of the Pops. This was one such song. A bouncy uplifting pop song with chirpy vocals and lovely bright keyboards. I still think "Scritti Politti" sounds more like a kind of skin disease though.

(28) CRY - GODLEY AND CREME

Kevin Godley was not only a member of 10cc but went on to direct music videos such as , U2's "Even Better Than the Real Thing", Erasure's "Blue Savannah" and Blur's "Girls and Boys". Along with former bandmate Lol Creme (which is what you text back if someone asks if you want milk or cream in your coffee), he directed Duran Duran's "Girls on Film", Frankie's "Two Tribes" and The Police's "Don't Stand so Close to me" among many many others. And so, when Godley and Creme released "Cry", and they needed a video, there were only two men for the job.  Before CGI, they used clever wiping and dissolving effects to make people with very different faces slowly morph into each other. (Something Michael Jackson did on his video for "Black or White" but with much more sophisticated tools.)

Serial producer of hit singles Trevor Horn is involved here but it's not clear whose idea it was to increase the pitch of the word 'cry' until only dogs could hear it right at the end. Sort of ruins the experience, like coming out of a film you've really enjoyed and having the ushers throw popcorn at you as you leave, sort of.

Despite it's mesmerising video and heavy rotation on many different mixed-media TV shows, the song only reached a paltry 19. Baffling really as it belies it's simplicity and is imbued with a wonderful, almost unique atmosphere. Try doing that in 2024.

Incidentally, after Gary Moore and Phil Lynott, this was the second time ex-bandmates had teamed up to release a song together in '85.

(27) SAY I'M YOUR NUMBER ONE - PRINCESS

I do feel a bit sorry for singers with such unique voices that could have gone stratospheric but for the right songwriting team. Kiki Dee is one and Lisa Stansfield is another. If only they'd been luckier with the songs made available to them. This was the case with Princess. She was a session singer and was hired by SAW (Stock, Aitken and Waterman) to do some vocal work on a project for Dee C. Lee. After winning over the production team, they worked on a few tracks together. Once this track was finished, no record label was actually interested in it so SAW created Supreme Records and released it themselves. It reached number 7 and based on SAW's output in the latter part of the 80s, you'd never guess this was theirs.  Sadly, her subsequent singles didn't reach the same heights.

(26) ONE VISION - QUEEN

Apart from the bizarre opening minute of the song, this is brilliant. It chugs along, taking you with it and never stops for breath. Brian May's excellent guitar riff is the kind of thing that makes a kid want an electric guitar for Christmas and Freddie's vocals are probably some of the best he ever laid down on tape bar "These are the Days of our Lives".

Bizarrely, the final iteration of the words "One Vision" are actually "Fried Chicken", which is a nod to a part of the writing process where they didn't have words for the chorus and started singing "One prawn, one clam, one shrimp, one chicken...".  It reached number 7 in November.

(25) THE TASTE OF YOUR TEARS - KING

King made two albums and then they were done. Shame really as they had some proper good singles. Despite the uncomfortable imagery that comes with thinking about someone tasting someone's tears, you'd be really proud of yourself if you'd written this song. It's got so much character and so many great moments - especially the second verse where lead singer Paul gets all shouty and passionate. It's definitely moreish and lights that little flame of nostalgia. Paul went on to host various shows on MTV and became a VJ (like a DJ but for Videos).

(24) WALKING ON SUNSHINE - KATRINA AND THE WAVES

I could never see Katrina and the Waves as a serious band after this single. They weren't a bubble-gum pop band full of optimism and jolly intentions - they were a Motown inspired mood band full of introspection and pessimism.  Although "Walking on Sunshine" was a hit, it ruined their ethos and regardless of anything profound they came up with later, they'd always be the "Walking on Sunshine" band. They leaned into this by writing something similar the following year but "Sun Street" wasn't as catchy and only reached number 22. "Sunshine" got to number 8 and is probably one of the most recognisable tracks of the decade.

Katrina re-emerged in 1997, representing the UK at the Eurovision Song Contest and winning with the song "Love Shine a Light" (which gave the band their highest chart placing with a quite impressive number 3).

(23) LOVERBOY - BILLY OCEAN

Robert "Mutt" Lange might not be a hugely familiar name to you but as a producer and a songwriter his accomplishments include producing the second biggest selling album of all time (AC/DC's "Back in Black") and the best selling album by a solo female, Shania Twain's "Come on Over" in 1997. He's also got his paw-prints all over Bryan Adams' "Waking up the Neighbours", The Corrs' "Breathless" and Heart's "All I Wanna do is Make Love to you".

It's clear from the blood-stirring intro to "Loverboy" that his influence was strong in this track. The best thing about it is it's non-linear style - there's no fear here in the production or the structure. Just listen to the experimentation in the middle 8 - it's so unusual for a commercial pop song. It works though and I've still got this on rotation 40 years later. Superb.

(22) SATURDAY LOVE - CHERRELLE WITH ALEXANDER O'NEAL

Cherrelle was and probably still is an unknown to UK music fans. Part of the successful Minneapolis stable headed up by Prince and Jimmy Jam/Terry Lewis (Janet Jackson's Songwriting team), she shot straight into the R&B top 10 with Jam and Lewis' first ever composition "I Didn't Mean to Turn You on" (covered by Robert Palmer in 1986). She teamed up with another singer who'd worked with Jam and Lewis, Alexander O'Neal, on "Saturday Love" before he went on to have a string of UK hits in his own right.

I can't adequately describe the feeling I had when I first heard this. It was an entirely different musical experience to anything I'd heard before. I'd heard a few Prince songs and enjoyed "When Doves Cry" in particular and though this came from two of his proteges, it was the equivalent of having bad eyesight and putting on a pair of glasses. Music suddenly went up to 4K. When Alex's "Hearsay" album came out, I bought it, listened to it over and over for more years than I care to acknowledge and never looked back. It's not hyperbole to say that Jam and Lewis are probably two of the most important and influential musicians of the 1980s (and beyond).

(21) ALIVE AND KICKING - SIMPLE MINDS

Only in the late 90s did I come to appreciate Simple Minds for what they were. Big songs with a huge voice, I always got the impression they were trying to be U2 but without the lyrical gravitas. Jim Kerr's voice was every bit as powerful and expressive as Bono's but the rest of the band lacked an identity and their songs were definitely written more for radio than for their own musical growth and enrichment.

I found the video for this song particularly stressful as they decided to set up all of their equipment at the edge of a precarious cliff. The production on the track was right up my street though with huge reverbed drums, glass piano chimes and soaring chorus vocals that dilate every blood vessel. It's a song that you could release in any year and get a top ten single. 1985 was brilliant wasn't it?

(20) RHYTHM OF THE NIGHT - DEBARGE

In the UK we didn't get a lot of information about American acts like DeBarge. For example, I didn't know if this was the same DeBarge who sang "Who's Johnny" on the Short Circuit soundtrack because that was by "El DeBarge" - I couldn't go to Google so that, and many other musical questions and mysteries, hung around until just now, when it popped back into my head and made me Google it. El DeBarge, it turns out, is the lead singer of DeBarge. Who knew?

Before "Miami Sound Machine" popularised the latin-beat on pop singles, it was present here - written by Diane Warren (who also wrote LeAnn Rimes' "Can't Fight the Moonlight", Aswad's "Don't Turn Around" and Michael Bolton's "How can we be Lovers") and omnipresent in April 1985. It peaked at number 4 in the UK.

(19) DON'T YOU (FORGET ABOUT ME) - SIMPLE MINDS

Simple Minds didn't want to record this song originally because they didn't write it. Several other artists also declined to record it for the soundtrack to the movie "The Breakfast Club". After a lot of persuasion, they agreed to record it and was a good job they did. Despite having a few low-grade hit singles, this catapulted Simple Minds into the zeitgeist and made the record buying public (and the radio) care about subsequent releases. If not for this song, Simple Minds might have continued to hover around the mid-twenties of the chart before vanishing altogether.

Despite the hollow production, this track is a bona fide generational classic.

(18) THINGS CAN ONLY GET BETTER - HOWARD JONES

Howard's chart career was quite short-lived despite him continuing to release albums and perform live to his army of fans to this day. He first charted in 1983 and his last hit fell out of the chart in 1986. This song has some of my favourite lyrics of the decade, framed by a brilliant musical framework. The backing track is a network of intricate motifs and keyboard genius. The single featured the support of backing group Afrodiziak who also featured on  The Jam's "Beat Surrender", Elvis Costello's "Everyday I Write the Book" among others and one of the group, Caron Wheeler, went on to perform lead vocals on the Soul II Soul song, "Back to Life".

Howard sings, "Treating today as though it was the last, the final show, Get to 60 and feel no regret. It may take a little time, a lonely path, an uphill climb, success or failure will not alter it." I think about this verse a lot for many reasons and were it not in a pop song, it should have won some kind of Pulitzer. The song reached number 6.

(17) A VIEW TO A KILL - DURAN DURAN

Being a self-confessed Duranie, I was all over this at the time. Little did I know it would spell the end of the five-some for nigh-on fifteen years. I bought the single and I went to see the film at the cinema three times in the week it was released. The faultless Christopher Walken plays perfectly off Roger Moore even if the movie is a little bit forgettable. The single stalled at number 2 because Paul Hardcastle's "19" was hogging the top spot, something which still baffles me to this day.

(16) THE HEAT IS ON - GLENN FREY

This song sounds like it was great to record. Every moment in it is filled with joy - from the saxophone intro to Glenn's "Woah-oh-wo-ho" and the "Tell me can you feel it" mantra. It's a blast from start to finish. It was written for the movie Beverly Hill's Cop by Harold Faltermayer (he of "Axel F" fame, from the same movie) and recorded by the second solo member of "The Eagles" to have a hit single in 1985 (the first being Don Henley). Competition for places in the charts that year meant it only reached number 12 despite sounding like a sure-fire number 1 all day long.

(15) HOW SOON IS NOW - THE SMITHS

There's many a dissertation that could be written about this song and still not fully capture what listening to it whilst nursing a tot of Jack Daniels whilst staring out of a rain soaked upstairs window can. Morrissey was always able to capture that sense of ennui behind every human interaction, however positive or mundane. The Smiths probably had no right to be in the pop charts at all - very little of what they released had commercial appeal but they spoke to millions of us in a way nobody else could. We loved that they understood how we were feeling and that we had someone up there in the midst of the important people who understood how we were living and more importantly, how isolated or ignored we felt socially or politically.

The work that went in to getting the tremolo guitar line (having to time oscillating amps in 10 second bursts, stopping and starting the tape to do so) and harmonising the slide guitar pays off hugely. This was one of the secrets of creating an enduring record - garnering a sound that nobody else ever had or ever could again. I'm still not sure if the line "I am the son and the heir" is meant to sound like "I am the sun and the air", but maybe that's part of the intrigue. As the song had already been released as the B-Side of "William, it was Really Nothing", when it came out in its own right, it only reached number 24.

(14) THE SUN ALWAYS SHINES ON TV - A-HA

After the huge success of "Take on Me", expectations were high for the follow up. Given the track records of bands who burst onto the scene with a huge smash hit, it was expected that the follow-up wouldn't reach the same heights. In one of those rare moments however, the follow-up absolutely smashed the first single out of the water. I'm talking metaphorically of course because "Take on Me" reached number 2 and this, number 1.

Where the video for "Take on Me" left off, the video for this picked up and led to the band standing on a stage in a church playing a concert to hundreds of mannequins. "The Sun Always Shines on TV" motors along with more energy than I've ever had in my entire life all the way though until the final bass piano note. Morten Harket's vocals soaring over and above everything else like no other pop singer in the world. This was the second of six consecutive top 10 hits in little over 12 months for the band.

One small tip, if the sun is shining on your TV, just shut the curtains.

(13) SHE SELLS SANCTUARY - THE CULT

 

The Cult hadn't done much for me; it wasn't the kind of music I leaned towards naturally and nothing they'd done sounded interesting enough to pay attention to - until this single. This has a unique energy which is as infectious as a Disco or Heavy Metal track, somehow incorporating sensibilities of both. Ian Astbury's vocals suit this perfectly, whereas I find them rather tedious on most of the other songs of theirs I've heard. This got to number 15, their second highest placing bar "Lil' Devil" which reached number 11 in 1987. Nope, me neither.

(12) WE CLOSE OUR EYES - GO WEST

Despite the sweaty video, this is a tour de force. The track is layered with so many cleverly written synth parts and overlaid with Peter Cox's gravelly vocals to the point where you almost have to switch it off halfway through to get your breath back. It was the duo's debut hit, reaching number 5 in February and followed by three more top 30 singles in 1985. Cox's vocal gymnastics are quite something - it's a shame they never really pushed on from this early promise (they didn't manage to enter the top 10 with any of their subsequent 8 singles).

(11) A NEW ENGLAND - KIRSTY MACCOLL

Written by Billy Bragg for his 1983 album Life's a Riot with Spy Vs Spy, the song becomes a little less impressive when you know that the opening lines were taken from a Simon and Garfunkel song (Leaves that are Green) and the tune was taken from a Thin Lizzy song (Cowboy Song). MacColl heard Bragg singing it in his rough busker style and immediately heard it differently in her head with harmonies and instrumentation.  She and then husband, Steve Lillywhite, set about recording it. She thought it was too short so Bragg wrote her another verse (and changed "I'm just looking for another girl" to "Are you looking for another girl").

This gave Kirsty her highest chart placing with a number 7 in February.

(10) BODY ROCK - MARIA VIDAL

This song breaks all the conventions of a hit pop single. The intro is weird, the verse doesn't have a "Whistlable" melody and the singer was a complete unknown. She had no further chart success but continues to provide background vocals for artists such as Seal, Aerosmith and the magnificent Lana Del Rey. She scored a respectable number 11 in the UK with this brilliant track.

(9) KAYLEIGH - MARILLION

Lead singer of Marillion, Derek Dick ("Fish" to his friends), looked like someone you'd get drawn against in the Darts Round-Robin at your local on a Friday night. I didn't like this song originally because it was good, which meant it was competing with Duran Duran's "A View To a Kill" for the top spot. Turned out both only reached number 2 behind The Crowd's "You'll Never Walk Alone" and Paul Hardcastle's "19" respectively.

I remember thinking this song was the spiritual successor to Hot Chocolate's "It Started With a Kiss"; love stories are always a winner, especially when sprinkled with regret, could-have-beens and lessons learned. But with lines like "Dawn escapes from Moon-washed college halls" and "Barefoot on the lawn with shooting stars", you just feel this song in your bones. A forever classic.

(8) THE POWER OF LOVE - JENNIFER RUSH

Hairstyles in the 80s were eclectic to say the least but the one Jennifer Rush sported during the chart run of the uber-successful "The Power of Love" made her look like she'd been electrocuted in a wind tunnel. This was brilliant, if you like this sort of thing, which I don't particularly, but I got why it stayed at number 1 for five weeks and troubled the chart for a total of 33 weeks. It didn't kickstart a successful chart career however as her follow-up single "Ring of Ice" only reached number 14 and everything else barely scraped the top 100. Shame really as her voice was phenomenal and really should have been given more exposure - I think she would have done to Beverley Craven's "Promise Me", what she did to this track but alas, it was not to be.

This was the second single entitled "The Power of Love" to enter the chart in six months (the previous one was by Frankie Goes to Hollywood) and there'd be another barely five weeks later when Huey Lewis and The News released the title track to 80s Blockbuster "Back to the Future".

(7) WEST END GIRLS - PET SHOP BOYS

Second song in a row I don't really care for but understand it's importance and unique genre shifting power. Neil Tennant had been a journalist for Smash Hits before turning his talents to 'singing'. It's probably an unpopular opinion but I thought The Pet Shop Boys could have been even better had they given their songs to other people to perform. They did this several times of course with much success (adding weight to my argument) writing "I'm not Scared" for Patsy Kensit and Eighth Wonder, Dusty Springfield's "In Private" and Liza Minelli's "Losing My Mind".

West End Girls won the best single award at the Brits and an Ivor Novello award no less.  It of course hit number 1 for two weeks and remained in the top 10 for 8 weeks.

(6) TAKE ON ME - A-HA

"Take on Me" had to be released three times before it charted. It was mixed, re-mixed and re-re-mixed with three different videos. Warner Brothers really believed in the band and it's to their credit. Unique isn't the word when you're describing Morten Harket's vocals. Add those to as catchy a track as you'll ever hear and point people in its direction, you've got a hit. It just shows that writing good songs was never enough - even with a little bit of radio airtime; marketing was everything and the pencil-sketch video which took 6 months to make, drew everyone's attention. The song reached number 2 in the UK for three weeks, stalling behind Jennifer Rush's "The Power of Love".

(5) RUNNING UP THAT HILL - KATE BUSH

Talking of unique artists, Kate is truly a maverick and approaches song-writing from as many obtuse angles as she can muster. There are some artists who transcend the singles chart. You have to have some commercial success as an artist so that you can go on being an artist and not have to work a full time job, which gets in the way a bit. It struck me that Kate never worried about commercial success when writing songs - "Army Dreamers" which entered the top 20 in 1980 is a prime example of this. It just doesn't make any sense as a commercial single release - neither did "Wuthering Heights" for that matter but it rose to number 1 because it was so so different to anything before it.

The "Hounds of Love" album should be in everyone's record collection. "Running up That Hill" is probably the most accessible song on it in terms of catchy pop, but the rest of it is just a sublime mix of thoughts and atmospheres, lyrical erudition and expert vocalisation.  For best lyric of the decade, try this for size : "You don't want to hurt me, but see how deep the bullet lies".

(4) WE BUILT THIS CITY - STARSHIP

I was surprised to see how much hate this song received at the time. The band didn't like it much and it's frequently listed on "Worst Songs Ever" lists. However, it's a great single, which is what this list is all about. Whether you're "Knee-deep in the Hoop-la" or "Playing the Mamba", it doesn't matter, the intro to this song drags you by the ankles into the verse and by the end of the first chorus it has your full attention. It reached number 12 in November.

(3) THE BOYS OF SUMMER - DON HENLEY

There are some songs that I am just in awe of. Songs that chill the blood with their minor key changes and brooding vocals which really evoke a set of emotions you'll never feel anywhere else. Although I don't know what this song is specifically about, it's July in a seaside town isn't it? For me, more Scarborough than California, but even so, the smell of the sea, fish and chips, seagulls cascading towards your face and the heat of the day slowly fading as you sip Coors in a bay-side café.  It's actually about the passing from youth to middle-age and lamenting past relationships, but hey, if I can get a 99 with a flake along the way, why not?  It got to number 12 in 1985 and when it was re-released in 1998, it got to number 12 again.

(2) DUEL - PROPAGANDA

 What a song this is by the way. There were a few German acts in the 80s; Falco (who sang in German), Nena with her balloons, Alphaville, Milli Vanilli, Kraftwerk and Trio (of "Da da da" fame) to name a few. Propaganda had already flirted with the charts, releasing "Dr. Mabuse" in 1984 and reaching number 27. This single fared a little better, settling at 21 before falling out of the chart. It's another example of a song which just didn't get enough exposure as it's a fabulous single. Another entry into lyric of the decade here too : "The first cut won't hurt at all, the second only makes you wonder, the third will have you on your knees, you start bleeding, I start screaming". Stick that in your Ivor Novello and smoke it.

(1) EVERYBODY WANTS TO RULE THE WORLD - TEARS FOR FEARS

Dear me. If you didn't like this song then you were either paid not to or lying. It's quite clever of them really, writing a pop song in a time signature rarely visited. It's in 12/8, which to those of you not au fait with music theory means, each bar still has four beats (conventional pop songs have this for rhythmic stability) but with an off-kilter undertone created by using three quavers per beat instead of two. It was unusual at the time so it made the track stand out immediately. Other songs using this rhythm include Michael Jackson's "The Way You Make Me Feel", Toto's "Hold the Line" and R.E.M.'s "Everybody Hurts" albeit a much slower 12/8 where you can actually hear the three quavers per beat.

When I first heard this song I was mesmerised. £1.49 was duly saved up and a trip to Sounds Nice on the high-street beckoned.  The song was originally titled "Everybody Wants to go to War" which was a theme running through "Songs from the Big Chair", its sister album. "Mother's Talk" is about the threat of Nuclear War which was ever-present in the mid-80s and "Shout" is a protest song about such things.

Tears for Fears didn't appear at Live Aid even though they were originally supposed to. Ironic then that this song only reached number 2, being held off the top-spot by the "USA for Africa" song "We are the World". They atoned for their absence by re-recording the song with the title "Everybody Wants to Run the World" for Sport Aid in 1986.

 

If you want to see my blog about 1984 click here, or if you'd like to dip into the 70s, click here

 

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1984

Spotify playlist : Top 40 Singles of 1984

George Orwell certainly didn't see Madness singing a song about Michael Caine coming did he? Nor did his book about 1984 contain the horrors that were Keith Harris and his stuffed Duck, Orville, singing 'Come to my Party' or Roland Rat (Superstar?) singing 'Rat Rapping'. All far worse than what he predicted.

In 1984, the charts had something for everyone, just like my local branch of B&M. If you were four years old, you had 'Superman' by Black Lace or The theme from Fraggle Rock, if you were 40 you had Cliff Richard, Shakin' Stevens and Elvis crooning at you and if you were 400 years old, there was Status Quo.

Almost every genre was represented too with 'Don't take my coconuts' by Kid Creole, Sarah Brightman's 'Unexpected Song', 'The music of Torville and Dean', the theme tune from BBC's live Snooker coverage and the Flying Picket's cover of The Eurythmics 'Who's That Girl' floating around in the lower reaches of the top 40. But 'Agadoo' and 'Ullo John, got a new motor' aside, what were the best 40 singles of what some would argue, was the best year in popular music?

(40) The Police - King of Pain

This was Sting & Co.'s last original hit single which only managed to reach number 24 in the chart. They'd matured by this point and were writing clever songs with depth (Synchronicity II, Wrapped around your Finger, Walking in Your Footsteps) but these weren't as commercial and fun as Walking on the Moon and Message in a Bottle so the 7"-buying public were looking elsewhere. They metaphorically knocked everything off their manager's desk the day they left the studio for the last time when they released an extremely ill advised remix of "Don't stand so close to me" in 1986, for some reason.

(39) The Pointer Sisters - Automatic

A brilliant single and quite an unexpected one from the R&B trio. Known mainly for their dance tracks, this came out of nowhere and rocketed to number 2, being held off the top spot by Duran Duran's "The Reflex". There's no auto-tune or digital trickery here, that really is Ruth Pointer's actual vocal cords. The fat synths here are brilliant (especially in the chorus) and it really underlined how classic acts were now embracing electronic instruments instead of being a little bit terrified of them.

(38) Kenny Loggins - Footloose

You'd never know if he'd walked past you in the street but our Kenny was responsible for two of the most iconic movie songs of all time. Unknown in the UK before Footloose was released, he'd had no less than 7 top 40 hits in the US.  He also wrote 'Danger zone' which featured in the 1986 movie Top Gun but failed to reach the top 40 here. He followed this up by providing a song called "Nobody's Fool" for Caddyshack II in 1998 and "Return to Pooh Corner" in 1994. The latter, I hope, has something to do with Winnie the Pooh.

Anyone who paid attention to the charts in 1984 will have an image of Kevin Bacon leaping through the air whenever they hear this track - and that's not necessarily a bad thing.

(37) Madonna - Like a Virgin

After some success in the clubs with her 1982 single "Everybody", Madonna burst into the charts with "Holiday" in January 1984 and quickly followed that with "Lucky Star" which reached number 14 in March. By no means a well-known pop star at that moment in time, she released "Like a Virgin" which turned the head of anyone who heard it or saw her gyrations on a Gondola in the video. It began a streak of thirty five consecutive top 10 hits in the next ten years, seven of which reached number 1. This song alone sold over six million copies worldwide. An icon indeed. The track also features the impeccable musicianship of Nile Rodgers, Bernard Edwards and Tony Thompson of Chic.

(36) Queen - I want to Break Free

Queen confused their loyal fanbase by releasing the album "Hot Space" in 1982 which steered dramatically away from their 70s rock roots into R&B, dance and funk. "Under Pressure" was the only single from the album to break the top 10 and as Brian May recalls, "we hated each other for a while". They took a few years off before returning with the album "The Works" which spawned the number 2 charting "Radio Ga Ga" and "I want to break free" which peaked at number 3. This was despite the video being banned by MTV for the whole cross-dressing thing. This also explains why MTV never showed any Pantomimes.

(35) Re-Flex - The Politics of Dancing

If you wanted to embody 80s music in one song, this is it. Infectious and uplifting with all the best early 80s synthesizer noises, this was Re-Flex's only top 40 hit. Entering the chart at 63 in January 1984, it took five weeks to climb to number 28 for two weeks then dropped out of the top 100 completely 3 weeks later.

 

(34) Girls Just Want to Have Fun - Cyndi Lauper

Cyndi's debut single spent seven weeks in the UK top 20, reaching as high as number 2 behind Frankie Goes to Hollywood's "Relax". Written by Robert Hazard in 1979 as "Boys just want to have fun", Cyndi, with some lyrical and musical adjustments, turned it into a raucous feminist anthem with as fun a video as you're ever likely to see. Not a bad way to introduce yourself.

(33) Band Aid - Do They Know it's Christmas?

Released near Christmas to raise money for the famine in Ethiopia, this single had sold over three million copies by the end of the year. The brainchild of Bob Geldof was initially hoped to raise seventy thousand pounds, however the single has re-charted and been re-recorded twenty times to date and raised over two hundred million pounds. Despite the rush to get it written and recorded, it's a great single in its own right.

(32) Ultravox - Dancing With Tears in my Eyes

Seven albums into their career and they were still releasing music of this quality. Bands whose introduction to the charts was modest had a tendancy to improve with every release - whereas, those who stormed the charts immediately found it hard to match the quality of their first releases, for obvious reasons. Midge had been around well before Ultravox so I guess he never felt any pressure to match his other hit singles - which is very freeing creatively. The peaked at number 3.

(31) Slade - Run Runaway

Another band well into their career, Slade were 11 albums in and still releasing singles of this quality. It was a brilliant single actually and it was a hit in the USA where they'd failed to chart previously. I'd be surprised if there was anybody in the music industry these days who is capable of writing a song like this. It feels a lot like "Is this the way to Amarillo"; a song which sticks the first time you hear it, sounds so simple but is so well crafted musically, it couldn't be written by anyone new to song writing. Not sure if their lyric "See Chameleon lying there in the sun" was inspired by "Karma Chameleon" but if not, they're the only two songs I'm aware of that contain colour changing lizards.

(30) Bananarama - Rough Justice

Bananarama learned a commercial lesson with this release. It's brilliantly written (all three contributing music and lyrics along with their collaborators at the time, Jolley and Swain), brilliantly produced and performed. It was the kind of stuff I would have loved hearing more of from the Bananas but it's heavy themes didn't resonate with the record buying public and it stalled at number 23.

(29) The Weather Girls - It's Raining Men

You can't imagine anyone else singing this can you? Especially not Geri Halliwell. It's handy that they were called "The Weather Girls" and they just happened to be singing about rain. They didn't mention whether it was going to be sunny later or if a cold front was moving in from the east however. The song was written in 1979 as a post-disco dance track and offered to Donna Summer, Diana Ross, Cher and Barbara Streisand, all of whom decided against it. It was originally released in 1983 but only managed to get to number 73 - it's second release in 1984 reached number 2 behind Lionel Richie's "Hello".

(28) Echo & The Bunnymen - Seven Seas

It was the unusual lyrics in this song that hooked me into buying the 7". Ian McCulloch had one of those voices that were perfect for pop songs - it was such a pity the "Bunnymen" didn't come up with songs this good very often. They only had two top ten hits in the 80s (The Cutter and The Killing Moon which are fundamentally the same song) but bafflingly, their most poppy and commercial release "Seven Seas" only reached number 16.

(27) The Smiths - Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now

This is another song that deserves to go in a museum and sent up into space for aliens to understand completely what it feels like to be a human being from a working class town in the North. The Smiths were a band that encapsulated a sense of being. A lot of their songs had you nodding along and saying "Yes, that's exactly how I feel" without being terribly poetic about it. Morrissey absolutely loved Sandie Shaw and the title is a nod to her song "Heaven Knows I'm Missing Him Now". You haven't truly experienced ennui until you identify with the line "I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour but Heaven knows I'm miserable now."

There was a lot of wasteland around where I grew up in the early 80s; buildings that had been demolished and the broken glass and half-bricks left behind for kids to play with - so, the video for this song really resonated too. God bless The Smiths. It got to number 10.

(26) Blancmange - Don't Tell Me

My catnip in the 80s was a synth solo. "Take on Me", "I Won't Let the Sun go Down on me" and "We Close our Eyes" had particular appeal, so when I heard the Synth Calliope at the beginning of this song, I was hooked.  Reaching number 8 in the chart, they committed the cardinal sin of making their next release a song which had absolutely nothing to do with their sound, song writing or entire ethos as a group. They released a cover of Abba's "The Day Before You Came" which, being kind, is an awful song anyway, never mind the cover version. Maybe they thought they'd do what Soft Cell had done with "Tainted Love"? That release got to number 22 somehow and their last two singles in 1985 only scraped to number 40 and 77 respectively.

(25) Ollie and Jerry - Breakin... There's No Stopping Us

Breakdancing films were popping up all over the place and one in particular, "Breakin'", spawned this number 5 peaking single. 80's staple drum machines the TR-808 and Linn LM-1 were up front and centre here, oozing with 80s noises - here I am 40 years later, still listening to this and enjoying it as much as I did back then. There's something magical about music like that. The video for the song features a young Jean-Claude Van Damme doing a manic jig in the background.

(24) Kim Wilde - The Second Time

After a very strong start to her music career (her first five releases went top 20) things went a bit awry with the next three ("Child Come Away", "Love Blonde" and "Dancing in the Dark") which weren't quite as catchy, nor did they sell very well. Kim changed record companies in 1984 but still didn't manage to break the top 10 until late 1986. This song was truly magnificent however despite only reaching number 29. It's bombastic, it's catchy and it's got a great synth part. It just goes to show, even if you've got a brilliant single, you never know if the public will take to it or not.

(23) Alison Moyet - Love Resurrection

Another from the Jolley and Swain stable, "Love Resurrection" has all the sensibilities of "Robert De Niro's Waiting" but without the quirks and with a much better vocalist. Alison's debut album "Alf" was much anticipated after her success with Yazoo and it didn't disappoint. All her singles were immensely chart friendly, especially this one; the chorus allows her voice to soar and carry the words like an Albatross on a thermal. Just wonderful. I had the pleasure of seeing her live a couple of years ago when she supported Tears for Fears on their Tipping Point tour. Her voice is even better in person.

(22) The Bluebells - Young at Heart

There are so many stories attached to this song, I don't think I can fit them all in. Originally recorded by Bananarama and written by Siobhan Fahey and her boyfriend at the time, Robert Hodgens (aka Bobby Bluebell of The Bluebells), it appeared on the Nana's debut album in quite an unrecognisable form. Reworked in 1984, it reached number 8 and became the soundtrack to the summer (well, my summer at least). The violinist Bobby Valentino, who provides what is arguably the hook of the song, took legal action when he wasn't given a writing credit. He won and was subsequently compensated for his efforts.

As was a common trend in the charts, the song was featured in an advert in 1993, prompting the record company to re-release the track (The Bluebells themselves having disbanded long before) and saw it rise all the way to number 1. Just for context, the week it hit number 1, the rest of the top 5 was made up of "Oh Carolina" - Shaggy, "Informer" - Snow, "Mr Loverman" - Shabba Ranks and "No Limit" - 2 Unlimited. A song out of time indeed, probably because there wasn't another song of this quality on general release at the time. The Bluebells even had to reform for their appearance on Top of the Pops!

(21) Bob Marley & The Wailers - One Love/People Get Ready

Originally recorded in 1965 by The Wailers, this was re-recorded in 1977 and released as a single in 1984 to promote the release of the compilation album "Legend".  The video (much like The Eurythmics' "Who's That Girl") has a few cameo appearances from Paul McCartney, two members of Bananarama, Neville Staple of The Specials, members of Aswad and Musical Youth and Suggs and Chas Smash of Madness.

(20) Duran Duran - New Moon on Monday

Duran weren't far from a schism but this single from their third album is one of the reasons I'm still quite upset they split up when they did. Simon's voice does a lot of the work here and because of its register, this isn't a song they played live too often. Guitarist Andy Taylor has cited the video as one of the most embarrassing moments of his life - the director asking all five members to dance in the street whilst fireworks go off behind them. Watch it and it'll become the most embarrassing moment of your life too.

(19) Wham! - Last Christmas/Everything She Wants

Another key event in 80s popular culture was the announcement of a Wham! Christmas single. A special slot was created on TV for the premier of the video and we all sat round waiting for it to air. It didn't disappoint and the song has charted every single year since downloads and streams count towards chart positions (2007). The double-A side, "Everything She Wants" is Wham!'s best song by far but it was ignored by radio stations for obvious reasons. They missed out on a Christmas number 1 as the other song George Michael appeared on, "Do They Know it's Christmas" beat it to the top spot. It finally hit the top spot at Christmas in 2023 because of the absence of X-factor finalists and "Ladbaby".

(18) U2 - Pride (In the Name of Love)

A tribute to Martin Luther King, U2 had started to sound much more like a band who could sell singles to the general public. The infinitely catchy chorus and stunning guitar riffs go all the way to making this a single you wanted to replace the needle at the start of the disc and go again and again.

(17) Madonna - Holiday

Madonna's introduction to the wider music scene was quite modest by her standards. A quirky pop song about needing a Holiday reached number 6 in the UK but the look she sported in the video is one which everyone would recognise as Madonna. "Holiday" was re-released in 1985 after she's had four consecutive top 5 hits and it reached number 2 behind her own "Into the Groove". She tried this feat again with "Borderline" (which originally reached number 56) and this also peaked at number 2 in 1986. It wasn't third time lucky however as the re-release of her second single (the number 14 peaking "Lucky Star") only reached number 84. "Holiday" was released again in 1991 and reached number 5.

(16) Talk Talk - It's My Life

"It's My Life" only managed to reach number 46 in 1984 before disappearing. They re-released it in 1985 and it did even worse, only scraping in at number 93. The third release managed to capture a few imaginations and in 1990 it got to number 13, their highest ever chart placing. It throws up all sorts of questions about what used to make people go out and purchase a physical unit of music. This is a brilliant pop song but for whatever reason, it either didn't reach the ears of enough people or I'm completely wrong about how good it is.

(15) Bryan Adams - Run to You

Pop rock wasn't entirely new at this time, but something that sounded this good was. A lot of hair-rock bands like Whitesnake and Foreigner had been floating about in the charts remaining largely unnoticed or ignored but Bryan turned a lot of people onto the concept of loud upfront guitars without the sweat and tight leggings. It's arguable that he paved the way for the likes of Bon Jovi and Europe but "Run to You" is simplicity wrapped up in a joyously produced vocal bundle of rock ebullience.

(14) Hall & Oates - Out of Touch

First appearing in the UK charts in 1976 with "She's Gone" which reached a princely number 46, it took the duo six years to crack the top 10 with "I Can't go for That (No can do)". "Out of Touch" settled at a baffling number 48 in the UK despite it being their best single by far. This is borne out by the fact it hit the number 1 spot in America. It didn't get its moment in the sun in the UK until the group "Uniting Nations" covered it in 2004 and saw it climb to number 7.

(13) Level 42 - Hot Water

 

When I first heard this, I couldn't get it out of my head, to paraphrase Kylie. That's the mark of a great single isn't it? One that won't leave your head and makes you pop to Woolworths with your £1.49. Mark King's bass is superb and probably better framed in the 12" version of this song but as with a lot of Level 42 singles, the verse completely outshines the chorus (traditionally, the chorus is the main event). None of their first eight releases broke the top 20 and this, their 11th single, just scraped in at number 18.

(12) Tina Turner - What's Love Got to do With it

This is another single that made me reach for the volume button on my cassette radio. That synth-panpipe motif at the start is wonderful and it seems weird now but I remember thinking, "Who is this singing?" Having not released anything in the UK since 1973's "Nutbush City Limit", her comeback single "Let's Stay Together" had completely eluded me despite its number 6 chart placing. "What's Love Got to do with it" hit number 1 in the USA making her the oldest solo female chart topper (she was 44). She never managed a number 1 in the UK but this was her biggest selling single ever and gave her a career high of number 3 (Both "River Deep, Mountain High" and "We Don't Need Another Hero" peaked at number 3).

(11) Frankie Goes to Hollywood - Two Tribes

"Relax" had spent five weeks at number 1, nineteen weeks in the top 10 and sixty-three weeks in the top 100 between November 1983 and April 1985. It had dropped into the top 30 after it's run at the top when "Two Tribes" was released. This reignited sales for both singles and in July 1984, "Two Tribes" was at number 1 (for nine consecutive weeks) whilst "Relax" was at number 2. To say Frankie were a phenomenon is an understatement. They even spawned a T-Shirt craze which was basically a white T-shirt with "Frankie says Relax" written on the front in big black letters. "Two Tribes" was just as energetic and bombastic as "Relax" and was every inch a number 1 single (and even won Holly Johnson, Peter Gill and Mark O'Toole an Ivor Novello award).

(10) Stephen 'Tin Tin' Duffy - Kiss Me

Original vocalist with Duran Duran, Stephen Duffy fronted the band "Tin Tin" who released a version of this in 1982 but it failed to chart. He then recorded a solo version a few years later and saw it climb all the way to number 4. A few singles at that time contained the sampled "Dum Dum" voice which came on one of the floppy disks supplied with the $8000 Emulator-2 sampler (also used to great effect by "The Art of Noise", a group that included Trevor Horn and J. J. Jeczalic who both worked on the aforementioned "Two Tribes").

This is a wonderfully glossy pop song which frames Duffy's chirpy optimism perfectly.

(9) Prince - When Doves Cry

It's all about the spaces in this song. It's not over produced, it contains very little instrumentation, it has unique drum sounds and a wonderfully simple synth hook between verses. The lyrics are thought provoking and Prince's voice is allowed to sparkle amongst the motifs. They certainly don't write them like this any more. This was the first single from the "Purple Rain" album and if it was something you bought into, this period of Prince's career will still be regarded today as one of the most significant in the history of pop. This was his first UK top ten hit, reaching number 4.

(8) Dead or Alive - You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)

Whoever you were, this song will have had your attention. It was the first number 1 hit for production team "Stock, Aitken & Waterman" (who removed all the musicians from the process of making records), and Dead or Alive's only number 1 hit. Pete Burn's vocals were always quite intense but on this song, they're slightly terrifying. The energy suits the urgency of the track though so it all combines to create a classic which has never aged a day.

(7) Tears for Fears - Shout

"Songs from the Big Chair" was one of the albums of the decade and spawned two of the singles of the decade. "Shout" graced the top ten for seven weeks, peaking at number 4. The Linn drum rhythm provides the platform for the entire thing but its the expert production that brings the song to life. Roland Orzabal has gone on record recently to say he wishes he could go back and rewrite the lyrics for the verses but to us Tears for Fears fans, the song remains a nugget of perfect pop.

(6) Wham! - Wake Me Up Before You Go Go

Just nine original singles released, all nine went top ten and four got to number 1. This song was the first of those four chart toppers (remaining there for two weeks) and what an in-your-face single this was. Bouncy, optimistic neon-tinged glittery pop fronted by the increasingly flamboyant George Michael who was starting to establish himself as a bona fide pop star. Wearing white jeans and a "Choose Life" T-shirt at the start of the video, he swaps this for a pair of tiny shorts, a day-glow hoodie and a fetching pair of yellow neon fingerless gloves. Meanwhile, Andrew opts for a Legionnaire's hat with back-flap. Needless to say, neither fashion statement caught on as much as leg warmers and Deeley boppers.

(5) Nik Kershaw - Wouldn't it be Good?

Nik is a jazz musician first and foremost. Trying to pick some of his songs apart is futile for all but the best musicians. The chord structures, rhythmic patterns and chord progressions on his first album "Human Racing" were beyond us mere mortals. The result on "Wouldn't it be Good?" is a convoluted and intriguing verse and bridge which perfectly sets up the simpler radio friendly chorus. An absolute gem of a song; Nik's first hit and a number 4 which he bettered only twice.

(4) Bananarama - Robert De Niro's Waiting

Another single with a brilliant intro. It's so clean and shiny, it immediately sets the tone for the rest of the song. The song is about the love of a celebrity; in this case, the Banana's love for Robert De Niro. They never had a number 1 single but this one didn't do too badly, reaching a career high of number 3. Siobhan Fahey did have a number 1 in 1992 with the "Shakespears Sister" track "Stay" which remained at the top for eight weeks!

(3) Bronski Beat - Smalltown Boy

Synthesizers have always been a bit cold haven't they? It took a while before the general music buying public saw them as anything other than soulless computers being prodded at by androids. In steps "Bronski Beat" with a masterclass in framing an extremely clever lyric with perfection. The notes they don't use are more important than the ones they do - there's so much space in the musical accompaniment that Jimmy Somerville's perfect falsetto glides around and at times, becomes another instrument in the pop orchestra. This reached number 3 but nothing they released beyond this ever carried the same gravitas, preferring instead to turn their hand to disco and emotionless pop before Jimmy upped and left to form "The Communards".

(2) Duran Duran - The Reflex

 Watch the video for this song and you'll want to be Simon Le Bon. He was the pop star at the time and the perfect front man. Strange that parent Album "Seven and the Ragged Tiger" had been out for four months and, this being the third single released from said album, it crashed straight in at number 1. Totally unheard of! Part of the reason could be the fact the single had been remixed from the album version by Nile Rogers who added all the "Ta na na na" parts and juiced up the rhythms. It wasn't released as the lead single because the record company thought people would be put off by the "Why-ay-ay-ay-ay don't you use it" parts, completely ignoring the fact it was moments like this in songs which made them stick in your head.

(1) Cyndi Lauper - Time After Time

Magical. A far superior song to "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" which got to number 2 earlier in the year, this only reached number 3. This is another song from this decade which will stand the test of time and sound good in whichever year its played. The video however contains a lot more caravans than you'd think.

 

If you want to see my blog about 1983 click here, or if you'd like to dip into the 70s, click here

 

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Service charges, politeness tax and unwelcome sausages

Imagine you’re in Asda and you’ve got your little basket with a mega pack of toilet roll, a Twix and a puzzle magazine in it. You pop your goods on the conveyor belt and as the cashier beeps each thing through as you wait patiently at the end with your carrier bag made of ether, you hear a fourth beep. You look down at the things being slid towards you and notice the cashier has scanned a packet of sausages.

“I didn’t put sausages on the conveyor belt”, you say. “Yeah,” they reply, “they’re discretionary sausages. You have to ask me if you want them to be removed from your receipt – and, as I’ve already printed it, I’ll have to shout for my supervisor to come over. They have to enter a special code to remove them. If you decide to keep them, the cost of the sausages will be divided up evenly among all us checkout people as a kind of tip. So, are you sure you want me to ask someone to remove the sausages from your bill?’ You look at your receipt and where you expected to pay £10, you’re now having to pay £11 – £1 for a pack of sausages you don’t want. Unwelcome sausages.

Now imagine you’re in any of the big chain restaurants in 2023. You order your food and drink, it arrives and you smash it into your face with glee. Then you ask for the bill. Said bill arrives and you notice it’s a little more expensive than you expected. On closer inspection, you realise they’ve added a metaphorical packet of sausages – in this case a service charge, albeit discretionary. Ten per cent.

Now I’m aware this challenges your moral code and I’m sure most of us slip the pizza delivery person a couple of quid when they hand you the boxed Shangri-La that is the Pepperoni Passion with extra peppers but that’s because we think it’s nice to be nice – it’s fair to tip someone who probably relies a lot on those tips to make a decent wage and what is an extra couple of quid to the bill? However, I’m sure we’d all feel different if said delivery person demanded a tip and then went as far as to tell you how much they wanted?

Fifty five pound tip please

The discretionary service charge in restaurants is on the rise I’m afraid. I first saw it last year in a branch of Byron Burger. I was confused by it – it’s not a British thing; I’ve only lived in Britain forty or so years, so maybe it is a British thing? Baffled, I just paid the bill including the service charge, then searched my soul to try and understand how I actually felt about it.

Whether I’m right or wrong, cynical or jaded by a world being gripped by money grabbing corporations, I’ve come to the conclusion that the discretionary service charge in this case, is actually a ‘politeness tax’. Let’s say they leave tipping up to the customer (as they used to – the card machine would say ‘press 1 to tip or press 2 to continue’). One in two of us might add a tip. Not that we’re even sure the tips go to the service staff and not straight into the bank account of the chief executive of course.

The discretionary 10% service charge is now added to your bill in order to ensure you feel too awkward to ask for it to be removed. To prey on the politeness of us British ‘don’t look now’ types. We’re all too ‘not now Gerald’ and ‘don’t make a scene’ to ask for the server to go remove the charge. Well, I’m not.

I was in the Botanist a few weeks ago and had a wonderful meal, the service was spot on too. However, when I saw the service charge on the bill, I politely asked the server to remove it. Not because I didn’t want to tip but because whoever manages the Botanist’s policies has realised they can make more money out of people who haven’t got that much to start with by adding a charge they know people are too polite to ask for the removal of. Not me though, I was all like ‘could you please remove the charge’. Turns out the server had to go and speak to a supervisor to get this removed (increasing her disgruntlement further, not only just hating me for judging her service as untippable – which wasn’t what was happening). When she came back, she slammed the receipt on the table, sans service charge but with extra ruining of the experience.

Now, I can’t be the only one who would rather be asked if I want to tip, which is only polite, rather than be forced to? They’re literally adding sausages to the bill that I didn’t want and it’s somehow my fault that they have to log in with a special code and then wander all the way back over to the sausage fridge so they don’t go off. Slamming a receipt on the table, to me, is their way of making sure I just pay it next time and don’t make a fuss.

To me, a service charge isn’t an appropriate method of getting tips out of people in British culture. We’ve adopted many American customs over the years but forcing sausages on people shouldn’t be one of them. It’s actually stopping people tipping if anything and stopping people going into restaurants where they force extra charges on you that you’re kinda convinced the charges don’t go to the service staff. So, next time you’re in a restaurant, check the menu to see if they add a discretionary service charge. If they do – well, you’ll just have to decide if the sausages were worth it.

The real stories behind pop single covers

You might think that record companies used to send pop stars off to a photographer to make them wear costumes and stand in the woods and such, in order to take a picture to put on the front of a pop single. Well, that's right - but what if there was something else behind the pictures on the albums? Would they be something like this :

I told you wait for me before taking the net curtains down

 

Early design of Sonic the Hedgehog

 

I told you to wait for me before taking down the net curtains

Page 23 of the Grattan Catalogue, XXXXXXXXXXXXXL Jackets and mustard shirts

Page 25 of the Grattan Catalogue, pseudo-jeans

Edge in the huff after Bono pelts him with a well aimed snodger

Page 77 of the Grattan Catalogue, rubber, wipe-clean, stain-proof, heat-accumulation packing material

"Just so there's no confusion, I think we need to make it clear which Africa we're singing about"

"I wasn't up to anything, why?"

We can finish the decorating after the photo shoot

No Curt, you can't have an ice cream, you spent all our money on braids

 

"What? Me? Erm... I'm a - lamp post inspector or something"

Irene after stepping on an upturned plug

PVA glue and shampoo are not the same thing

"I told you I was wearing dungarees today. Now I look like an idiot!"

Gary can't sleep so he's reading his phone in bed

Four for the price of one on panama hats at Primark

Zooming into Kate's eye, we can see there's a picture of her younger-self tattooed on her cornea

Blind Melon before they could afford a rehearsal room

Terry in the naughty corner, thinking about what he's done

"Hello? Hello? I don't think this shoe is a phone you know"

Sixth floor please

 

Kate, regretting not tidying yesterday, slips on a tissue

Leo gets a new bouncy castle installed in his back garden

World record attempt, most people playing a piano at the one time

 

Taken during the national shirt shortage of 1977, the one on the left, 100% has been bullied into this photo

This album comes with matching placemats and coasters

I wasn't doing anything in the barn. The horse is lying.

 

The importance of using the correct voltage on your effects pedal

 

The Best and Worst Toys of the 1980s (Part 2)

The best (and worst) Toys of the 1980s (Part 2)

Etch-A-Sketch

This was the precursor to the Laptop. A Laptop that could only run Microsoft Paint in black and white.  It had a monochrome screen so everything you drew looked like it was set in the 1930s.  I’m not sure what the appeal of the Etch-a-Sketch was because a pencil and a sketch pad was infinitely more enjoyable. and easier to use. and cheaper. and were already in your house.

If you weren’t used to which knob did what, or which direction went which way, you’d always twist one of the knobs in the wrong direction to make the cat you were drawing now have whiskers coming out of places it shouldn’t have whiskers.  Diagonals were a challenge too as were circles so you could forget drawing Pacman eating a bag of Doritos.  If you wanted to keep the picture you’d drawn, you either had to take a Polaroid of the screen or you had to frame it and then go out and buy another Etch-a-sketch.

To remove the picture you’d etched and sketched, in order to draw another one, you had to shake it up and down so the polystyrene beads inside smoothed out and recoated the glass with aluminium powder.  My mission was to remove all the powder from the glass by meticulously moving the needle up and down the screen, 1 nanometre at a time.

This is what happens when you’ve worn out all the actual uses for a toy; you start inventing different uses for it. Like when you’d got bored of riding your bike, you’d turn it upside down and turn the pedal with your hand to see how fast you could make the back-wheel spin. Action Man became a teaching hospital specimen and the one of the speakers from your hi-fi became a makeshift stool when you had friends over and not enough seats.

Raleigh Chopper

Made of steel, making it ridiculously heavy, with one wheel bigger than the other resulting in involuntary wheelies and the fact it wobbled when you got up any kind of speed, the Raleigh Chopper was a death trap.

Add in the fact it had a T-bar gear stick not three inches away from your groin, there were plenty of opportunities for birth control if you braked too hard.  First released in 1969, it was still a big seller in the 1980s until the BMX took over.  The film ‘Raleigh Chopper Bandits’ didn’t quite have the same ring to it but would definitely have been a better film.  The main draw for this bike was the sofa it had on the back in place of a conventional saddle.  You could fit three maybe four of your friends on the back and take them for a short weekend break in Rhyl.  The low-drop handle bars and the addition of a kick stand made you feel like a Hells Angel too; only with less tattoos (apart from the ones you got inside bubble gum which you licked and pressed onto the back of your hand).

Purple people eater

In 1958, Sheb Wooley had a song called the one eyed one horned flyin’ purple people eater. In it, there is a monster that wants to join a rock and roll band and tries to achieve this by eating purple people.  In 1982, I thought I’d never sleep again when I got a Waddingtons Purple People Eater. It was made of rubber; a creepy latex type of rubber with a face that would have given Freddie Krueger nightmares.

The premise of the game was much like that of Operation – you had to remove the people from its mouth with a pair of tweezers without touching the sides.  If you did touch it, its right eye lit up and it screamed a scream that made my soul temporarily leave my body.  There’s an online legend I read in which a young chap’s dad used to wear the rubber monster over his head and chase him around the house.  He still sleeps with both eyes open. Forty. Years. Later.

Hungry hippos

These days, the single biggest cause of repetitive strain injury is typing on keyboards. In the 80s it was Hungry Hippos giving us all carpal-tunnel syndrome. A game for up to four players, each taking their place behind a hippo with a lever on its back. Marbles are released into the playing area and each player has to smash the lever down as many times as possible in order to extend the hippo’s telescopic neck to grab as many marbles as possible. A game of luck, then, which invariably ended up with someone slamming the lever into the table so hard, the entire game was catapulted across the room into your Nan’s face whilst she was watching Metal Mickey.

If you get a chance, take a look at the commercial from the 1980s. It features four children pressing their lever lethargically for 30 seconds, looking like it’s not possible to have less fun. Then one of the kids shouts ‘I’ve won’ in the least excited voice of all time. The other three kids look relieved rather than upset that they’ve lost and they’re now allowed to leave and go wash the dishes or count the blades of grass in the back garden, you know, something less tedious.

Mr Frosty

This was the greatest lie ever told to an eight-year-old. Mr. Frosty was a plastic snowman with a blue hat and a circle cut out of his tummy. It was supposed to be an ice cone maker.  However, in the television advert, someone put an ice cube into the hole in his head, popped the hat back on (to use as a kind of plunger) and then turned the handle on his back. What came out of the hole in his tummy was perfectly crushed ice, the type slush puppies are made of.

Taken from Pingu's episode of 'Where are they now?'

In reality, the handle wouldn’t turn and would eventually snap off – either that or 1% of the ice would shave after a few minutes because it had melted.  What ice you were able to get out was then covered with syrup dispensed from a penguin’s head. The E numbers gave you the energy to turn the handle and shave the ice just like the advert!

Girl’s world

“What’s this you’ve given me for Christmas Mummy? Ooh, a disembodied head! Thanks Mum!”  Girl’s World was the slightly sexist Christmas gift for lovers of make overs and future YouTube beauty influencers. Its reason for existing was to practice your hairdressing and make-up skills; the manufacturers forgetting that each person who received one also had their own head to practice these things on, all they really needed was a much cheaper mirror and a £1.99 make-up set from Woolworths.

With the Girl’s World came some shampoo, conditioner (which seemed to work on nylon hair), rollers, a brush, a comb and some fake make-up which was designed to be washed off the dummy’s face once you were done.  The make-up consisted of eyeshadow (colours ABBA would be scared to wear), blusher and lipstick. Most people who owned one got bored with it one day, cut its hair, ruined it, put it back in the box, put it on top of the wardrobe and never played with it again.

Swingball

Ahh, the quintessentially English pastime of a gentle game of tennis.  Wearing a white jumper and shorts combo, using a fuzzy little ball, two friends gently pat the ball back and forth over a net followed by finger sandwiches and a glass of Pimms. What fun!

Then… there’s Swingball.

It was an attempt to recreate Tennis but without all the ‘having to go and get the ball which has gone over a hedge’ business. It also eradicated the difficult ‘serving’ part too, so what went wrong?  Well, for a start, the ball was attached to a rubber band connected to a spiral on top of a stick which had been hammered six feet into the ground.  It didn’t resemble tennis in the slightest.

The point of the game was to try and get the ball to spiral around the stick until it reached either the top or bottom (depending on which you preferred) before your opponent did.  What was supposed to be a relaxing game of chivalry soon descended into a frenzied pair of hyped-up children going berserk and smashing the tennis ball with more energy than either has put into the entire rest of their lives.

The ball would inevitably detach from the string after one last furious wallop of the racquet and fly through the glass of next door’s greenhouse.  The participants would all then immediately scatter and deny ever having heard of swingball, and when questioned, tell the next-door neighbour that the stick in the back garden is part of an old washing line the previous owners of the house had.

1983

Spotify playlist : Top 40 Singles of 1983

It's hard to imagine now but in 1983, when you heard a song on the radio, on Top of the Pops or saw a band perform on The Little and Large show, you either had to tape it on a cassette/video or go to the shop and part with actual money to own it and play it when you wanted to. This spotify-less age meant mix-tapes ruled your days and a lot of songs disappeared into the ether. You'd probably never hear them again save the 'Forgotten 80s' radio show on Absolute Radio on Sunday nights.  Even then, that song you use to love but forgot even existed might be played once a year and you wouldn't be listening at the precise time it was on.

So imagine my joy when the internet started to contain all those forgotten songs that I had no hope of ever hearing ever again bar a visit to a local vinyl fair at the leisure centre, trawling through hundreds of singles to pick one out and go - 'how did this go again'? then part with a couple of quid, get it home, pop it on the record player and go 'ah yes, didn't like it did I?'.  The internet has now given me access to every single song I can remember and every one I've never heard of. This list of best singles of 1983 would have otherwise been made up of the songs I remember. As it is, it's made up of songs I totally remember, some I couldn't quite remember but do now and some I'd never heard before. Bless the internet.

I've done a top 60 because there were 20 songs I couldn't possibly leave out of the count down. 1983 was mint.

(60 actually)

(60) Toto - I Won't Hold You Back

The lesser known of the three hits Toto had in this period. The others being 'Rosanna' and 'Africa' of course, but this one is just beautiful. Roger Sanchez revived it in the early 00s and did a good job but this original is up there with anything Fleetwood Mac ever did with this romantic atmosphere.

(59) Michael Jackson - Wanna Be Starting Something

As you'll see, Michael didn't manage to free up any of the budget he spent on the Thriller video to spend on single covers. I have to admit, I've never seen him in jeans, though I'm not sure these are actually jeans, maybe jeggings?  Anyway, whatever it was that was 'too high to get over' and 'too low to get under' had me thinking about this song long after it had finished and still rotates on my Spotify playlist of greatest songs ever, so something went right here.  This was the fourth single to be taken from the album so it was quite something for it to reach number 8.

(58) Duran - Union of the snake

This was just before Duran's decline from the very highest peak of pop stardom you can achieve. They were well produced on their third album 'Seven and the Ragged Tiger', in fact, the songs on this album sounded a lot better than the last two even if the songs weren't actually better, they sounded the best they'd ever (and would ever) sound here. The video for this song was something special too but, Wild Boys aside, their video quality would match their place in the pop world going forward with each one a little cheaper to make than the last.

(57) Irene Cara - Flashdance...What A Feeling

This was the last we saw of Irene in the charts, though after last year's 'Fame', she left with two absolute dancefloor classics. There are probably earlier examples (like the soundtrack for Saturday Night Fever) but song and movie tie-ins were becoming much more frequent. The power of the music video meant it could be used as an advert for something else. This song was taken from 'Flashdance' and, with no disrespect, without this song or 'Maniac' by Michael Sambello, I'm not sure this would have been a hit at the box office. For me, it was a dull affair of someone wanting to be a dancer or something but the video for this brilliant tune gave it more gravitas than it deserved. It was the backdrop for the set-piece dance routine where she has to 'wow' the judges to let her into college or something (loving the research I've put into this). That scene has been parodied numerous times since and you could even call it 'iconic' even though it's not. The bit where she dumps a load of water on herself is also iconic for some reason.

(56) Heaven 17 - Crushed by the wheels

Great bass guitar here and, probably, a heavy message about the plight of the working 'man'. Not Heaven 17's greatest hour though - that would come later in the year.

(55) Nick Heyward - Whistle Down The Wind

Oh sweet lord, what a tune. I had the privilege of seeing Nick perform this song at Bents Park in South Shields in 2004 and he was note perfect. This was his first solo single since leaving (and having a court battle) with the rest of Haircut 100. Nick's lyrics were always abstract (or random, not sure which) but here he really speaks to the sentimental side of you, if you've got one.

 

(54) Phil Everly & Cliff Richard - She Means Nothing To Me

The Everly Brothers were probably just as important to the base-rock of popular music as Elvis, Buddy Holly, Chuck Berry or Little Richard. There are hundreds of 60s, 70s and 80s acts who were massively influenced by 50s music, certainly those who crafted their vocals or played actual musical instruments when they went into the studio.  It was pleasing that Phil and his mate Cliff were able to sell records in 1983 and probably not just to people in their early 40s who grew up in the 50s and 60s listening to their music.  I was 8 and loved this as much as I loved Joan Armatrading or Howard Jones. I'm not sure what my point is however. This got to number 9 and gave Phil Everly his first top ten hit for 18 years.

(53) Elton John - I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues

I've never been able to work out if Elton John is an angry man with diva-ish qualities who treats people badly or if he's a cheeky scamp who likes to dance about in massive glasses being everyone's best friend. Probably both. He'd released a string of awful songs in the 70s with the odd gem scattered amongst them; here, he broke free of that and started releasing some of the absolute best songs of all time. Not sure what changed or what influences in his life had come and gone, but if he could have bottled the inspiration he was having in this period, I'd like a few litres please. This got to number 5.

(52) Prince - 1999

Here he is everyone, he's arrived finally. His previous 'hit', the number 41 peaking 'I wanna be your lover' was ahead of it's time and ahead of everyone who heard it's readiness for such raw energy.  '1999' only got to number 25 because, again, the American invasion hadn't quite happened properly yet. Michael Jackson was probably the only exponent having massive hits. This 25 peak wasn't quite the end of the story for this song though because in 1985, it was reissued with 'Little Red Corvette' on the B side and got to number '2', the highest he ever managed bar 'The Most Beautiful Girl in the World'. Stupidly, it was reissued again in January 1999 - I saw it on the counter at HMV in Edinburgh and thought, 'eh?', it's about New Year's Eve 1999, not January 13th 1999. Never mind, it got to number 10 then anyway.

(51) Rocksteady Crew - Hey you

Nothing says 'We use synthesizers' like saying the word 'digital' four times in the introduction to your song. You could tell this was written the first day their keyboard player got a new synth, it's got that 'ooh, an echo setting' vibe all over it. This song sparked my love affair with the 'Now that's what I call music' series.  The first ever album had this on it along with 14 other songs in this top 60 count down. At primary school we had a day when we could bring a Vinyl album in and play it whilst doing work, craft projects I think. My best mate brought in 'Number of the Beast' by Iron Maiden which made me question his ethics and morals. I brought in Duran Duran's first album and someone, I forget who, brought in 'Now that's what I call music 1', though it was just called 'Now that's what I call music'.  This was the first time I heard this song and by 3pm I was singing 'Hey You, the rocksteady crew, Bee Boy Blah Begga-lecka boogaloo'. I've just Googled it and the lyrics are actually 'B-Boy breakers electric boogaloo'. Nope, me neither.

(50) Wang Chung - Don't be my enemy

This is a cheeky little song which probably nobody remembers but you should definitely give it a spin. It's quintessentially what the early 80s were all about and perfectly produced.

(49) Human League - (Keep Feeling) Fascination

Even Phil Oakey admitted the other two blokes who sing on this were better vocalists than him - although, I can't actually tell which of the singing parts are Phil and which aren't, apart from when Joanne and Susan sing of course. The video for this was ground-breaking, like a lot of videos made in the early 80s (because none had really been made before, they were all quite pioneering in some way). They actually painted a house and street red so from above it looked like a big red dot. They room they're performing in is derelict too and I think that street was actually demolished not long after the shoot. This slowly climbed to number 2 in the chart but once there, fell out of the 40 sharpish, it was only on the chart for 7 weeks.  The production was really weird - it wasn't until I heard the digital version of this that I realised my record player wasn't playing up during the intro. It does sound like the belt on the player is slowing down and speeding up. The little tinkers.

 

(48) Bonnie Tyler - Total Eclipse Of The Heart

The video for this was quite spooky, choirboys with glowing eyes and Bonnie being chased through a wet stately home. Jim Steinman penned this song for a Vampire musical he was writing and you can just hear Meat Loaf singing it - but it suits Bonnie's voice perfectly. She'd not even hinted at performing songs like this before so either she begged her record company to let her realise her potential as a vocalist or it all happened by accident. Whichever, the result is a song that will always get the blood pumping and a lesson to all those weakly 'talented' idiots we're lumbered with in the charts these days. There'll never be music like this in the charts ever again - let that slowly sink in like spilt jam on a cardigan.

(47) Kajagoogoo - Too Shy

Produced by Duran Duran's Nick Rhodes, this was as good a debut hit as you're likely to hear. They had two more hits, the band fell out, Limahl was fired, he went on to have some solo success, Kajagoogoo then had two more hits without him and then saw their last week on the chart ever, less than a year after this hit number 1. Nick Beggs was on lead vocals for some of their best work regardless of chart positions though, it's a mystery why all he seems to do these days is follow Howard Jones around playing weird shaped bass guitars.

(46) The Police - Wrapped around your finger

I completely missed this first time around. I definitely wouldn't have got it anyway - the subject matters of Police songs weren't the type of thing an 8-year-old would be interested in anyway. This was about having an affair with a much older woman, 'Every breath' was about stalking, 'Don't stand so close' was about a 'teacher-pupil' situation and 'Invisible Sun' has elements of war and poverty. The album 'Synchronicity' is titled after a Carl Jung philosophy. I have to admit, I was more drawn towards the theme tune to Inspector Gadget at the time. These days though, 'Wrapped around your finger' has more emotional depth than Inspector Gadget and a little more gravitas than the theme tune to 'Rainbow'.

(45) Toto - Africa

Just in case you didn't know what shape Africa was, Toto have drawn it on the wall behind them, helpfully including Madagascar in case you were in doubt that it was part of the continent despite being an island.  They're not in Kansas any more, but in the song they do say that 'Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus' using a mountain as a metaphor for a mountain.

The structure and instrumentation on this song is as good as you'll hear in 1983, and the result is a song that'll endure forever, probably.

(44) Thompson Twins - Love On Your Side

Joe is giving Allanah a foot-up over Tom's back-garden wall so they can steal his apples. At least, I think that's what's going on, on the cover. What a bad idea to include the lyric (Rap boy rap) on the cover. It's like they wanted to ride the slipstream of the zeitgeist but they didn't need to - they were doing just fine doing their own brand of pop music.  One of the best moments in pop music occurs on this song when Tom sings 'I played you all my favourite records' and then plays an excerpt from their earlier minor hit 'In the name of love' like product placement or when YouTube interrupts what you're watching to tell you about some new self-folding trousers.

They had nine successive top 40 hits, some brilliant and some rather less so ('We are detective'????) The legend goes that their record company demanded that they write 'Hold me now' two, despite their protestations that you can only write what you feel like writing next.

(43) Joe Fagin - Breakin' away

I'm not sure if it's nostalgia or whether this is a great single but I absolutely loved Auf Weidersehen Pet, still do in fact, I watched all four series back to back last year and enjoyed every single second, all over again. This was the song that played over the introductory credits and put me in mind of the theme tune to the likely lads. 'Oh, what happened to you, whatever happened to me? What became of the people we used to be?' - that's such a sad lyric and one I only 'got' much later in life. Similarly with this song, 'Breaking away', it didn't have much effect on me in 1983 but these days, 'Don't want tomorrow to be like today, Until the good times roll around again, Auf Weidersehen'.

(43) Fun Boy Three - Our Lips Are Sealed

After the Specials had hit the top with their seventh hit 'Ghost Town', Terry Hall departed to form 'The Fun Boy Three' which I'm sure was a sarcastic reference to the look on his face most of the time. This was TFB3's seventh single, and by far their best. It was co-written by Jane Wiedlin, of the Go-Go's and 'Rush Hour' fame. It got to number 7 here and the Go-Go's had a top 20 hit with it state side.

(42) Men At Work - Overkill

To me, it seemed everyone looked at Men at Work as a novelty comedy band. When the video to their song 'Down Under' came out, it was played for laughs and kind of undermined the talent behind what they were doing. Madness got away with it because they represented a movement, a style, an identity - it wasn't all about the music, but Men at Work just came over as a group of physical comedians who had a 'Baron Knight's' style song about Veggie Mite sandwiches.  'Overkill' is a fabulous song but only got to number 21. Colin Hay appeared on US sitcom 'Scrubs' singing it acoustic-style before Dr. Cox takes his guitar and smashes it against the wall. Iconic.

(41) Lotus Eaters - The First Picture Of You

The greatest mysteries of all time include the Loch Ness Monster, who shot JR/JFK and how this song only got to number 15. They didn't chart again either. It's such a well written, produced and crafted song - it belongs in a museum - this one in fact!

(39) Paul Young - Wherever I Lay My Hat

Paul took this old Marvin Gaye B-side all the way to number 1. It's not the most politically correct song of all time but Paul's voice turned it from gentle bland faire to true soul classic. I bought the parent album 'No Parlez' on vinyl last year and the whole thing still sounds fresh. It's criminal that 'Behind your smile' wasn't on the album.

(38) Michael Jackson - Billie Jean

See previous comment regarding Michael's single covers. This is the song which launched the already pretty famous Michael Jackson to cosmic stardom. He performed his little moonwalk (a move he nicked from Jeffrey Daniel of Shalamar) on the 25th anniversary Motown concert here 

At the time, everyone thought the song was about Billie Jean King, one of the greatest Tennis players of all time. It wasn't though, it was about fans who claimed their children had been fathered by one of the Jackson 5, but they would go on to say, 'But the ched is not my son'.

(37) UB40 - Red Red Wine

One of my sister's friends said to me, at the time this song was in the charts, 'it's such a sad song, it makes me cry'. I didn't have the foggiest clue what she was on about - as I said above, the true gravitas some of the songs in the charts had didn't hit me until I'd gone through some 'things' and seen other 'things' in the course of my life. Of course, I've had my own 'Red Red Wine' moments now so I totally get why it's so sad - however, my sister's friend was 13 at the time so I'm concerned as to how she'd understood the message of the song to the point it had such an emotional impact.

(36) Prince - Little Red Corvette

I was introduced to this song in the late 80s when a school friend gave me a mixtape of various music from the Minneapolis stable. Safe to say, I never looked back - this song is so smooth and representative of what Prince did best, oozing with personality and atmosphere.

(35) China Crisis - Christian

China Crisis are definitely the best group you've never listened to. Criminally underrated and ignored by the mainstream, their back catalogue is littered with wonderful tunes, if not the most exciting ones, they're quirky, melodic and gently soothing. This song calms me right down and always makes me happy when I hear it. This got to number 12 in January and they wouldn't follow it up until the following year when Wishful Thinking got to number 9 in January 1984.

(34) Tracey Ullman - They don't know

Purists will cite Kirsty MacColl (one of the greatest humans to ever exist) 's version of this song as the best and original (she wrote it after all). However, Tracey was having a great start to her career on TV and now in music, so anything she released was getting attention. There's a note in the middle after the solo where it goes 'Baby!', which was too high for Tracey to sing so Kirsty stepped in to do it for her (or it was copied from the original vocal take on Kirsty's version). Getting your hands on the original MacColl version is quite difficult as at the time, she told Stiff Records that she didn't want to extend her deal with them so, out of spite, stopped printing the single and stopped promoting it so it didn't have a hope of charting.

(33) Michael Jackson - Thriller

The song is great but as previously mentioned, tie-in a song and a movie and you've got gold for both. People who like movies will hear the song and people who like songs will see the video and become aware of the movie, doubling your audience for both!

The 'Thriller' video was, in all respects except length, a movie and the visuals definitely brought the public's perception of the song up from where it would have been without the video. I recorded the video off the telly and learned the dance. There's a bit where three zombies turn to look at the camera half-way through the dance, and I never knew what to do at that point - it still annoys me to this day. Then they released 'The Making of Thriller' on VHS which I rented from the local video rental shop about four times and watched at least three times on each rental period. Safe to say I was obsessed and looking back, I can see why - the 80s was littered with these big events. Wham's video for 'Last Christmas' was a massive deal as was Frankie Goes to Hollywood's 'Two Tribes', there was Band Aid and Live Aid of course, and a lot of what Madonna was doing in both music and movies dominated the landscape. If there's one period in history I'm grateful to have existed it's between 1983 and 1986 - add in the release of Tears for Fears 'Songs from the Big Chair' and it pretty much underlines that small section of history as one of the greatest in pop culture. Whatever you think of Michael Jackson, he was absolutely one of the greatest pop stars in the history of history.

Ed Sheeran? LOL!

(32) Rod Stewart - Baby Jane

Red pleather aside, this song is the perfect vehicle for Rod's voice. His heyday was coming to a close and he'd soon be joining the stable of other 70s pop stars who were still capable of having hits but weren't lighting up the record collections of us under 18s like Wham! and Duran Duran were. This song had mass appeal though and hit number 1 without much effort. He managed to outstay all those young pretenders like Adam Ant and Limahl, and he's still releasing records these days!

(31) Men without hats - Safety Dance

We can dance, We can dance, everybody look at your pants. This song was a protest at the fact people were told to stop 'pogoing' on dance floors because they were bumping into people, standing on people and knocking drinks out of people's hands. So the 'safety' dance was one that was much gentler and kinder on people's toes. This got to number 6 and the band didn't trouble the charts ever again. The video is very very strange too.

(30) Ryan Paris - Dolce Vita

If you've read my commentary on my top 40's of the late 70s, then you can add this song to the list of those in my formative years that attached themselves to the part of my brain that absorbs unique sounds. The keyboard sound on Racey's 'Lay your love on me' will always take me back to 1978 - likewise the keyboard motif on this number 5 peaking hit. It's just so sonically pleasing - it makes my brain happy.

(29) Icehouse - Hey Little Girl

Talking of sonically pleasing, this is quite a unique sounding single and as far as I know, the only one of the 1980s that fades in rather than out (there's bound to be more but I don't know of any). I don't know if the lead vocalist was trying to sound like David Sylvian or Bryan Ferry or David Bowie or whether he just sounded like this - maybe he was doing an impression of David Sylvian doing an impression of David Bowie?

(28) U2 - New Year's Day

U2 weren't very well known at the time but it was probably The Edge who carried the band at this point of their career. If you listen to the parent album 'War', there's lots of interesting stuff going on, bombastic drumming, enthusiastic bass guitar and lots of Bono yelling and not quite hitting top notes, but it's in the Guitar layers and textures that the album really lives. It wasn't until 'The Unforgettable Fire' when they started to really gel and well, by the time 'The Joshua Tree' came out, they'd all reached a place where they were all contributing as much as each other. 'New Year's Day' is a favourite among U2 fans and it's easy to see why, bar Bono's shouting.

(27) The Kinks - Come Dancing

Probably the saddest song I've ever heard. Ray Davies sister died of a heart attack whilst dancing at one of the old-time dance halls (The Lyceum). This song isn't specifically about that though, it's a fictional tale of a young boy whose sister goes dancing at the Palais dance hall on Saturday nights.  The reason why this song is so sad is not only because of the inspiration behind it which is tragic in itself but it's that moment in your life when you realise parts of your own life have gone forever. My old primary school was demolished about 15 years after I left it. Seeing a gap where it used to stand was devastating. It wasn't that I wanted to go back there or anything but a lot of my most important memories and friendships were made there. Most of the songs in this list remind me of there too - the song 'Come Dancing' is sung from a time when the Palais has been knocked down and since then a bowling alley, supermarket and now a car park stand on the site. So when Ray Davies sings

'The day they knocked down the palais
My sister stood and cried
The day they knocked down the palais
Part of my childhood died, just died'

you really feel it. There are parts of your life that just ended and you didn't realise until years later when a totem to those times disappears. It makes people go 'why are they knocking that down' when really, its practical use these days is zero, it's just a reminder of when times were different, simpler, better - but only because we were young and all that mattered was dancing, drinking and dating.

(26) Limahl - Only for love

It was actually the best thing for Limahl when he was kicked out of Kajagoogoo, especially when he had a hit pretty much straight away with this and (see previous comments about song-movie tie-ins) 'Never-ending Story'.  'Only for Love' appeared on disc 1, side 1 of 'Now That's what I call Music' and 'Too Shy' appeared on disc 1, side 2. Not sure if any other artist has had two entries on the same volume, can't be bothered to check, but it's a good pop quiz question nonetheless.

(25) Paul Young - Come back and stay

Another single from 'No Parlez', this time an up-tempo affair which showcased the talents of his backing group 'The Fabulous Wealthy Tarts' who were Maz Roberts and Kim Lesley who were instrumental in giving the album its unique signature along with Pino Palladino on bass and the Simmons drum machine. In fact, it was the 'tarts' who made sure this single worked, without them, it wouldn't have been up to much.  They featured on the next album 'The secret of association' and again elevated 'I wanna tear your playhouse down' with their unique sound but then faded into the background for the rest of the album, or, more likely, were absent. Shame.

(24) Spandau Ballet - True

This is one of those songs you recognise from one note. It was massive at the time but I don't think time has been kind. It's a bit boring and not as good as the much more dynamic 'Gold'. This was the third single from the album and if they'd released it a bit earlier, we would probably have already forgotten all about Renee and Renato.

(23) Altered Images - Don't Talk To Me About Love

Don't talk to me about love and don't talk to me about drawing people's heads in proportion to their bodies.  This was the only decent single from the album - which was a bit more grown up than their earlier efforts but then, it was the playful fun vibe that people liked about Claire Grogan and the gang. They'd released two albums and six singles in six months! Because they weren't turning any work down at all (it had taken so long to get any at all, they were flying to Europe for interviews, back to the studio and back out to Europe without a break) they were fresh in the radio station exec's minds - this single was played about ten times in the week before it was released - which was unheard of!

(22) Grand Master Flash - White lines

Now that's what I call music 3. I had the cassette version and I remember on Sunday afternoon with my Walkman and orange sponge headphones curled up on the settee, listening to the whole thing. This is the track that stood out - I'd not heard it on the radio for whatever reason but here it was in all it's glory. It reminded me of those videos you were shown in school about not talking to strangers - only this one was cool people telling you not to do drugs.

I was once on the bus with my wife going to work and there was a bloke on the front of the bus listening to his Walkman, which everyone could hear. He was listening to 'Two Tribes' and from my time listening to 'Now that's what I call Music 3' so many times, I always expect 'White lines' to follow it. So when it was about to finish I said, 'I bet he listens to 'White Lines' next.'  As predicted, 'White Lines' came on. My wife was freaked out. It was just a guess that he was listening to NTWICM3 but now I knew he was, here was my chance to freak out everyone sitting near me too. 'I bet 'Free Nelson Mandela' comes on next', I said loud enough for the people around me to hear ... ... ... 'Freeeee-heeee Nelson Mandela!' Hilarious!

I had to get off the bus before the next song came on - I couldn't remember what the next one was anyway - probably Love Wars by Womack and Womack, which nobody remembers.

(21) Spandau Ballet - Gold

You've got the power to know, you're indestructible!

Great video, great voice and an iconic song to be played whenever anyone wins at the Olympics.

(20) Eurythmics - Who's That Girl

The soundtrack to my summer this. The 6 weeks holidays from school, down the seaside, going on fairground rides, playing on arcades, wading in the sea up to the bottom of your turned-up trousers. The video had various cameos in it like members of Bucks Fizz, Kiki Dee, Hazel O'Connor, Kate Garner (of Hayzi Fantayzee) and Keren Woodward and Siobhan Fahey of Bananarama, the latter of which later married Dave Stewart!

(19) Michael Jackson - Beat It

More Jackson in Jeans but this time completely overshadowed by the quality of the song. Probably his best ever, and with the West Side Story themed video, a masterpiece of pop music. The opening growl is played on a Fairlight - it got me thinking that in the early 80s when this sort of technology was emerging, you really had to seize those new noises. I was writing a song a few years ago and I've got a Fairlight plug-in, which is a software emulation of the original and I came across the instrument that does the opening note for 'Beat it'. Obviously, I can't use this sound in any of my songs because it's already associated so strongly with 'Beat it', it'll never find it's own signature or personality. It's like that for a lot of the new sounds emerging in the 80s, groups had to get the new kit, find all the new cool sounds and get them in their songs sharpish before someone else came along and used it first. Like the synth brass on Van Halen's 'Jump' or the opening to 'Take on Me'.  Anyway, the guitar solo on 'Beat it', speaking of Eddie Van Halen, is stupidly good.

(18) Eurythmics - Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)

Probably the most iconic 80s song ever. It's the one Absolute '80s plays whenever they've had a technical breakdown, like its their screen saver. Dave Stewart came up with the bass line when the thing he was playing wasn't working so he played what he'd written, backwards. That sparked the rest of the song. Annie's voice here is just head and shoulders above anything else that you'd heard before, if you'd grown up in the 80s that is. It hit number 1 in the US but only managed a measly number 2 here.

(17) Belle Stars - Sign Of The Times

 

I was really disappointed with the rest of the output from the Belle Stars because this song is superb. The rest of their singles were ok - which often happens I suppose. Bands like this unfairly get labelled as one-hit-wonders when in fact, they had one massive song and a few others that entered the top 40 but weren't given much air-play so the casual music lover would never be aware they even ever released any other music.  Their other notable hit was 'The Clapping Song' which was a novelty cover-version.  'Sign of the times' got to number 3.

(16) Depeche Mode - Everything counts

I liked this song originally because it has a Melodica in it. My teacher at school at the time, Mr Dowson, used to have one in his top drawer and would whip it out whenever we listened to 'Singing Together' on Radio 4. We'd sing songs like 'Green Grow the Rushes 'O' and 'Cockles and Mussels'. I loved it and always wanted a go on his Melodica - but never did because it was full of his saliva.  Anyway, Depeche Mode came to my attention because their album was named after a toy I always wanted but never asked for, for Christmas, for some reason, the 'Speak and Spell'.  This tune is particularly invigorating and stands out because of all the 'found' sounds that Martin Gore used as percussion and the like. It enjoyed a number 6 peak in the UK.

(15) The Thompson Twins - Hold me now

I liked this at the time but didn't buy the single. It was in 1999 when I was watching the Adam Sandler film 'The Wedding Singer' when one of the scenes was preceded by this song that I thought, 'Oh yeah, I loved that song'. Still a few years away from YouTube and even more away from Spotify, I bought the soundtrack to the movie on CD in order to get my hands on a few forgotten gems from the 80s I hadn't heard in over 10 years including 'How soon is Now' by The Smiths.

This was the Thompson Twins' biggest selling single, entering at number 31 it peaked at number 4 and stayed on the chart for 15 weeks.  On the later Thompson Twins albums you can hear some of the melodic motifs from their hits being repeated, and not very well - which just makes you want to go back and listen to this again instead.

(14) Nik Kershaw - I won't let the sun go down on me

Nik in an early version of Sonic the Hedgehog

There was a girl I liked at school and I thought I'd impress her by singing the lyrics to this, directly to her face one playtime. She looked like she was enjoying it until I got to the bit where he says 'Old men in stripy trousers', at which she burst out laughing, said 'I love that bit' and then wandered off.  I used to know all the lyrics to all the songs in the top 10 at the time but this song had particularly unusual lyrics so I found them fascinating.  'Here in our paper houses stretching for miles and miles' and 'Pinball man power glutton, vacuum inside his head' were wonderful word patterns to an 8 year old.  It started my love affair with Mr. Kershaw (not in that way) and he's now the artist I've seen live more than any other.

This didn't crack the top 40 when it was first released but after 'Wouldn't it be Good' and 'Dancing Girls' had both been hits, it was re-released and got to number 2!

(13) Howard Jones - New Song

Howard had a great look in 1983 didn't he? His sound was so different to the other synth solo artists and his voice really carried over the glassy twinkling.  This song has a resemblance to Solsbury Hill by Peter Gabriel but it's just a passing resemblance. It reached number 3 and launched his career. Howard is the artist I've seen the second-most live - even if I'm terrible at grammar.

(12) KC and the sunshine band - Give it up

Excuse me, can I have my table cloth back now?

Summer sun, playing catch in the park, feeding the ducks, lazy Sunday afternoons. That's this song for me. It's so catchy and up-beat and classic and surely finds its way into most people's top 100 of the 80s. If you want to see someone dancing to this as if they've been told their dog's just died, watch the video for the song. Harry Casey looks like he's being told he won't be fed unless he performs the song for us.

(11) Lionel Richie - Running with the night

For me, this is Ironing Board Face's best song. It only reached number 9 in the UK and if you listen close you can hear Richard Marx on backing duty.  The string stab in the chorus was the first time I was aware of it anywhere outside of a slasher-horror movie and it works so well. The guitar solo from that bloke out of Toto rivals that one from Eddie in Beat it.

(10) Tears For Fears - Pale Shelter

How someone 18 years old can write a song with this much depth is beyond me. It doesn't matter how you dress it up, this wasn't a single - it wasn't a hit single - but it was and it did. It's the opposite of what you should do to sell records - it's dour, depressing, inward, moribund and claustrophobic. However, it's such a brilliant song that the record buying public showed they could be impressed by someone that wasn't dressed up as a chicken or someone with a fake Italian accent.

As a spooky kind of serendipity or synchronicity, the bedroom on the back of the single cover looks exactly like the bedroom I had when I was 4 years old. The bed up against the window looking out onto the road outside with Superman wallpaper! That could even be me on the bed - I'm not sure how they got that pic but, I'm sure that's me.

(9) The police - Synchronicity II

Speaking of Synchronicity, this has one of the best starts to any pop song ever and for once Sting's voice isn't weedy and whiney. Well it is a bit, but it's not as annoying as it normally is. This is one of those 'story' songs which makes you listen just to find out what happens next. Full of energy and atmosphere - this is one of those songs on The Police's last album that made you sad they'd split up. Especially when you heard Sting's solo work, which lacked the energy of Stewart Copeland's drumming and the inventive chord work and rhythms of Andy Summers.

(8) Elton John - I'm still standing

How good is this? It's complete electricity from start to finish even if these days, Elton sings 'I'b dill dan dig'. I've played this live on more than one occasion and it always goes down well at an 80s night. Elton was well and truly back from his late-70s doldrums.

(7) Duran Duran - Is There Something I Should Know

What a single this is. Some of the best guitar you'll hear on a pop single, marry that with the glossy production, Nick's wonderful choice of synth sounds, Simon's powerful vocals, John's coupling with Roger's drums and you've got yourself a worldwide smash pop single.

It was the Duran's 8th release and their first number 1. It was a 'between' albums song (in that it didn't feature on either 'Rio' or 'Seven and the Ragged Tiger') which probably contributed to it selling over a million copies.  Take that in for a moment - over one million copies! Ed Sheeran recently 'outsold' the rest of the top 30 alone by selling 11,000 vinyl and 19,000 downloads. That's 3% of the performance of this single. Yes, people don't buy physical music any more but it gives you a clue as to why the music industry is little more than an underground industry these days.

(6) Howard Jones - What is love

 A number 2 peak for this convoluted pop record. Only a piano player with immense skill could have written this, such are the chords in some of the inter-bridge and linking parts. It's the reason I bought 'Human's Lib' which remains to this day, one of the greatest ever albums in pop history.

(5) Frankie goes to Hollywood - Relax

I'm surprised Trevor Horn survived the production process on this. The original version of this song which Frankie debuted on 'The Tube' is quite good if a little simple. When you hear the sonic trickery on the final released track, especially the bass sound and rich synth sounds, you can really appreciate how long it took to perfect. It was recorded by members of 'The Blockheads' before being rejected for not sounding modern enough. Then re-recorded with the genius behind 'The Art of Noise' J. J. Jeczalik. None of 'Frankie' appeared on the record except lead singer Holly Johnson. Horn stating that the band he'd seen on 'The Tube' weren't exactly the band they appeared to be.  The record didn't become a hit straight away - it took Radio 1's Mike Read to express a dislike for it and a refusal to play it to bring it to mass attention, make it sell and end up at Number 1 in  the first week of 1984. Top of the Pops just showed a still of the band when it was announced and then played a different song. It was at the top for five weeks, fell down the chart and then climbed back up to number 2 when Frankie released their follow up, 'Two Tribes'. The video for the latter was a huge deal with a late-night special dedicated to its release - such was its controversial content.

(4) Yazoo - Nobody's Diary

Vince doesn't seem to put much effort into Erasure's records these days (their last 3 albums have been turgid affairs) but back when he had the bug of creativity biting him in the back of his brain, this was the kind of magic he was capable of.  It was the only single from Yazoo's second album and peaked at number 3. Although the song was recorded with 'dated' technology, it hasn't aged a day - it still sounds fresh - and the lyrics are some of Alison Moyet's best work.

(3) Heaven 17 - Temptation

When I first heard this song I thought music couldn't get any better. I thought, this is it, this is the best song of all time. I taped it off the radio and listened to it over and over again. Carol Kenyon's vocals are just fantastic. (She also sang backing on Tears For Fears' album 'Seeds of Love'). The song actually has a 60-peice orchestra! It reached number 2.

(2) Police - Every Breath You Take

This song was born out of Sting's affair with Trudy whilst married to her best friend, arguments amongst the band and disagreements on the arrangement of the song. How then this sounds as good as it does is a mystery. Often mistaken for a sweet love song, it's actually from the point of view of a jealous lover. Quite dark really. In the end, it's Andy Summers Béla Bartók style riff that makes the song what it is. Without it, it could have been an empty Billy Preston-esque organ song or even a pseudo-reggae song in the style of 'Walking on the Moon'.

(1) Bananarama - Cruel Summer

Quite simply one of the best crafted pop songs of all time. The fact the members of Bananarama never sounded like they were singing the same note even though that was the intention, gave them this kind of achordal resonance that made their vocals nice to listen to. The guitar work is sublime as is the 80s production - but add this to the hot hot summer we had in 83, and the song jumps out of the speakers. 'Trying to smile but the air is so heavy and dry'. Its inclusion on the soundtrack to The Karate Kid (see my previous comments about movie tie-ins) helped it up to number 8 and gave them success in America.

 

If you want to see my blog about 1980 click here, or if you'd like to dip into the 70s, click here

 

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